Tomorrow is a New Day

[hopefulinga]

You all have very good thoughts for me today. So here are my thoughts/journaling for the day:

D16 and I called H this am on my way to drop her off. He was very pleasant and he sounded like he did long ago when he was out of town.

I spent the entire day at the leadership forum and did learn somethings that I can take away, even at home. I am always inspired after hearing local and national leaders, and speaking to other people that have some of the same interests I do.

I called H on my way to pick up D16 to make sure that he was back as I had to teach. He was, and I could hear some of the stressed/crappy tone of voice. So, I had a little discussion with myself and decided F him. I am not going to let his stress make me stressed. I have enough of my own to go around, thank you. So, this is my new short term goal. To try to ignore when he is crappy and not react. I think if I can focus on this, it will be very beneficial.

I did also catch myself in 2 intereactions with him when I dropped D16 off.

One of his new pals was at the airport asking about a hangar, so when I walked in (hadn't even gotten the door shut), he starts to question me about an issue the guy raised with him so that he can show what kind of big man he is and he can get things done. This is an EASY fight starter. Despite many requests, H doesn't respect my "please don't get in the politics of officical business" request. I told him that I was completely aware of the situation and that it was under control. After the person left, I told him that while I would not get into detail in front of that person, because I didn't know him, I would be happy to explain the detail of my decision. It did not escalate and H appreicate the explaination and then said he told the guy he was sure I had everything under control before I got there.

The second encounter, and you will like this KD, is that H told me that he wanted to sell one of the planes, fix the 2nd and then sell it. I would rather sell the 2nd first, and told H I was more interested in selling the second. He got slightly aggitated, and so I said, you know what, that's fine if you want to sell that one first. I co-own both, so while I feel like I should be part of the decision, I will let him make it for me. During this discussion, I also figured out why he may want to sell it. Both he and I took flight instruction in it from our friend that was killed. H tends to run and this may be part of that cycle.

Which leads me to another mantra I started to live by a few years ago and abandoned for no known purpose. Is it worth dying on the hill for? Imagine soldiers in battle dying on the hill for a cause. Is the issue I am about to argue with H about worth dying on the hill for? Or is it some non-principled issue that I can let slide? Which probably goes to the comments about expectations, and my perception of them.

As for trying to pull back my affection, that has been difficult because of the mixed signals. It is also difficult because I do not want to run him out to someone else. I already know that I do not tend to his needs and sensitivities. I've always joked that I have more testostarone than most of his friends. I am a highly driven, analytical person. I've taken leadership courses that teach women how to negotiate against some one with my communication style (At least I know how to argue with myself). And I've shown H the results of some of my profiles. Is this pretty? No. Is it who I am? Yes. And I need to learn how to cope with it and turn it off. My natural and adaptive style is to be driven. The best example is probably a snake in position to attack.

How bad is it? My profile says I have an imaginary 3 foot radius, which, unfortuately, is absolutely true. If I don't know you, I don't want you in my personal space. And please don't hug me or touch me when you talk to me. I can joke about it.

On the other hand, H is the touchy-feely social person. Our natural roles seem to be reversed. And I know this causes us problems. It goes back to turning off the leadership and who is in charge at home. As I think through all of this, I recall some of H's comments early on. Before we got married, H used to tell me that W was taking from the rib of H by God and created as a partner. After we got married, I can hear in my head "I wear the pants in this house".

As an aside, H was not up when I got home from teaching. The first night in quite a while. I am not sure of when he went to bed. I know that he was tired when he got home. I didn't say anything at all to him. Instead, I got changed and came out to my computer. I know that he was awake because he yelled at one of the dogs.