Sounds like you should. so maybe bring it up next time she shows that she doesn't like it.
"Effects of staying are that my changes are only temporary and I will revert to how I was, fear of settling (for me it seems), scared sex life will not return (she it not attracted to me anymore), not setting a good example of a healthy marriage for the kids. She also wrote that she wants to make some changes in herself and not be dependent on a man financially and to have more self confidence. To be happy she needs the kids to be happy and she wants to be loved and accepted for who she is, to find passion again. To be desired."
This is actually pure gold. These are what (in your W's mind) she wants. Now it's up to you to show her that you are all those things and more. Don't get discouraged by her not thinking that your changes will last. The fact is that she's noticing them.
Right now her depression is not allowing her to see anything clearly. You have to outshine it.
Here is something that another poster (who saved his M) sent to me a long time ago.
Be the Lighthouse.
Your spouse is in huge conflict....
The good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...
The competition we believe that exists with the OP is a shallow, empty reflection of God's light in this world....
It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush.
Their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again and again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong....they do not like what they are doing....
Their actions towards you, the children, the OP and themselves keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions with real dept and truth.
All they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life....yet the filling is way to fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down, regardless of whom is next to them....
They are the living cliche of...no matter where you go to hide, there YOU are.
He or she is lost to themselves.
And you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home. Even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that.
You become the lighthouse. You fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary.
Just visualize yourself as a lighthouse.
You offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get. You invite them towards it, let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way.
They are untrustable right now, but you know that. So they can't hurt you right now. They will spend great energy to convince others differently, but you know better.
You show them the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions. Set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives, without love busting.
Offer alternatives that let them see the children, but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them. You fill the childrens lives with stability. They deserve it and need it more than anything else.
Do not discuss or power struggle with them on irrational movements. Seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly.
Your spouse is very lonely and sad right now, but that is OK. No one can stay very long in that chaos..it is wearisome to the soul..
And remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos and eventually they will see that you are the only one who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most.
Be the lighthouse...
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
