What were the main issues in the M? Be as detailed as possible. What were her gripes?
The main issue is she says she is not attracted to me sexually. Even claims she never truly was. But this only came out after her Mom’s passing. Physically I’m in great shape, am very active, and look much younger than my age. Of course attraction is more than just physical, so obviously I've been doing something that made me unattractive in her eyes.
Other issues that have been mentioned by her are: “I feel like I’m driving the boat” “you’re a boy, not a man” and “I want someone to show me the world” which I understand as she feels she’s been running the marriage, and I've just skated along for the ride. She probably wished I would have taken more charge of things and lead the way. It’s hard for me to do this now when she wants less to do with me.
She also complained that I didn’t support her properly through Mom’s final year and funeral. (fair enough, but I did my best) Honestly, it seems she is mostly upset with choices she made in her life, and the things she didn’t do that she now wishes she did. Watching her Mom deteriorate and die brought her own mortality to the forefront. Now she feels her life is almost over, and she must rush to make changes. There were very few issues brought up of discontent with me, or her life in general, before Mom’s passing, and certainly not any nagging. The more I analyzed it, the more everything points to her going through a MLC. Of course I wasn’t perfect, and need to improve myself, but there is no way she can justifiably blame me for everything she’s unhappy about now.
There were a few other small items mentioned that were quickly corrected by me in short order. She notices, but probably isn't sure my changes will stick.
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Is this about her or you? She left you remember? So unfortunately for the time being it has to be about her needs and what she wants.
I agree it has to be about her needs, and that’s how I’ve been approaching things as I move forward. I understand I can’t pressure her in any way, but on the other hand I'm afraid if I back off too much, we will only lose our connection and drift further apart.
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With your W confiding in you (which you think) is like her talking to a girlfriend. There's a difference between a best friend and a lover.
Agreed! This is what I’m trying to change!
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What have you done so far in terms of GAL?
I run a small martial arts class in my home every week. I joined a weekly meditation group. I still do other physical training. I go out with friends more often than before. I have taken two courses at the local community college, and I’ve been reading books and the forums like crazy. Maybe even too much for my own good.
Thanks for listening.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
