After 18 months - H is finally filing.

[keep_going]

Adinva - Thanks for stopping by! It's nice to see some of the folks I first met when I joined the boards who have made so much progress. And you are one of them!
You inspire me too and I appreciate it.

Rick - thanks for your comments. I know today is a specially tough day for you, so it means a lot that you are here, trying to help others. Gracias de todo corazon...

Yes, we are those "hot-headed latinos. ;-)
And yes, I always wanted to be right with my H. And even though he is not Latino, he always wanted to be right too. Great combo, huh? One of the many things 25 has taught me (all of us), rather be happy than right. So I don't fall into that trap as often. My problem with H is when I try to explain my POV and get him to realize that I don't mean harm, acknowledge my feelings and forgive me.

The problem is that since he is looking for the same validation from me, then we get nowhere because we are both too busy trying to get ourselves be heard. I think that comes from years of neglect and getting farther apart from each other. We both had so many unmet needs and felt so abandoned and justifiably hurt... (The only difference is that my H finally couldn't do it anymore and gave up and I didn't.)

Even now that H has moved on, I believe he still cannot validate me because he has not forgiven me. And I understand it would be hard when he still feels I have not changed. So I get that. For me, I think it is hard because of my expectations. My coach equated my marriage to the firing of an employee.

My H was done with the M. He fired me as his wife. Yet, because I still see him as my H, I wanted to still show up to work every day. Very awkward for him, the employer. He basically said, you could show up to work, but you are not on payroll and won't get a check.
Then OW comes in the picture... A new employee. I get there in the morning and she is sitting at my old desk. So now I get more frustrated. I still believe I deserve my old job, I want to be there but I have been fired, have no desk and my former employer is saying - go home.

As long as I have expectations and keep treating my H as such and not as a neighbor with whom I can be friendly, I will get triggered and caught up in the vicious circle of arguing with him.

I don't know - it made sense the way the coach explained it.
All I need now is to detach and not see my H as my H...
Simple enough, right?