I have not asked her why. Should I? I am trying not to ask her anything and detach. Maybe I should ask her if she has someone she can recommend for me locally? Regardless - something else happened:
When she got home I went out to play pool and she came out a joined me. She actually mentioned inviting another couple over to play pool with us. I was feeling really positive until my wife went over to visit a neighbor and also to send my daughter home so I could take her to gymnastics. I had to go into her purse to get the epi pen (for my D allergy) and I saw my wife's notes about our marriage. Wish I never found them. They were very negative and I think they were from her session on Monday.
She wrote the effects of leaving and the consisted of how they would effect the kids (D9/S7), possibility of new family units or no family units, finances, being alone. Effects of staying are that my changes are only temporary and I will revert to how I was, fear of settling (for me it seems), scared sex life will not return (she it not attracted to me anymore), not setting a good example of a healthy marriage for the kids. She also wrote that she wants to make some changes in herself and not be dependent on a man financially and to have more self confidence. To be happy she needs the kids to be happy and she wants to be loved and accepted for who she is, to find passion again. To be desired. She wants to be with someone who she looks forward to being with in the future.
Writing from memory but I am pretty sure it is all there.
WE both want the same things for the most part. I have explained to her she will be fine financially if we divorced (before the DR I did this), maybe not at the same level, but she probably would not have to work until the kids go to college. WOW. That was hard to read and it is making the 180 so hard. I just want to tell her these changes are permanent, I do desire her and I want to get the passion back too. From what I read it seems she does not see that happening with us. I am not even three weeks into my 180 and this is tough. So tough. It will be hard to not talk to her about this stuff. That is what I should do, right?
