I came to another realization over the weekend. Again in the "duh" category. After Friday night, I became certain that she was cheating on me. Where could she be if not at someone's house til 3am? But the realization I had was this: whether it's physical or emotional or just losing interest, she cheated on me the moment she started closing herself down. When she gave up on the marriage, she gave up on her promise to me. THAT is the issue, not who she's with now or how she's coping. THAT is what needs to turn around if this is going to go anywhere.
Careful with that. You don't know, and unless you have something solid that says otherwise, I wouldn't assume anything. Couldn't she have just gone to a girlfriend's house? You never know, so don't assume the worst. I have struggled with this type of negative thinking all my life, and it's destructive. Frankly, my W has spent most of the last 18 months trying to do ANYTHING but come home. It wasn't about her doing what she wanted as much as it was avoiding me and our problems.
Originally Posted By: 9600
Obviously I'm not saying, "so what if she is cheating?" Just that if she is, it's more an extension of the ball she already started rolling. In a way, the worst has ALREADY happened. She already hides her phone from me. She already keeps her life secret. And I'm not cool with that. I am keeping the door open for her, but I'm realizing more and more how much of a change she is going to have to make if she wants to keep me around. This is not a marriage I want to have. Even if I love her to bits.
Again, careful. My W has done a lot of the same, but it's not so much because she has something to hide as it is her trying to protect her privacy. Eventually we may get to a point (I hope) where we start to break down those walls and rebuild some trust, but for now, I wouldn't assume you know why she's doing anything. It will eat you up and it could honestly be for a total different reason than you think.
I get where you are, because it sounds like you're describing me not that long ago, but you have got to take a hard look at what you're doing and saying. It all comes out as controlling. You agreed to have a date night, but you pressure your W continually about it....doesn't sound like something fun to me. I would stop putting so much structure around everything.
Instead of planning everything out, keep it lighthearted...."hey, I was going to try out this happy hour over at Joes tomorrow...you interested in joining me?" If yes, awesome...there's your date. If no, you go on and GAL. If she does join you, don't use that as your opportunity to talk R....that's why she doesn't want to go in the first place! Keep it light...have some fun. Remember how it was when you were dating. It is a slow race man...enjoy the moments, let her come along at her own pace.
