Lol Starsky! Should have been more clear... It was post-call that inebriation took effect! After we'd chatted for about half an hour and I knew the direction and tone of the conversation, I poured myself a drink. Didn't get to "tipsy" until after I'd hung up the phone and started journaling.
I know myself well enough to know that alcohol + long talks with W = a bad end to the conversation. So my preparation for the call involved writing out a list of reminders (alluded to in an earlier post) and preparing to gauge the temperature of the call and my readiness to bring up the "OM Talk"...
Clearly I wasn't ready last night, as I was a bundle of nerves before she called... once I felt the conversation was going in a "normal" direction, and I heard the sadness creeping into her voice toward the end, I decided to put off the conversation for another time... Plus, I'd like to be the one to initiate that talk, not wait for her to have to contact me for something else...
I DO appreciate you looking out for me, and would certainly accept the 2x4 had I decided alcohol was a good way to help me deal with a potentially life-changing conversation!
Look, I'm no prude, and I love good wine myself, but when I'm in a war for my family, and I know a battle may be coming tonite, I AIN'T drinkin'!!!!
If you feel the need to escape your problems for a night, I strongly advise you leave your phone with a trusted confidant.
Starsky
I'd have to agree with that mate! Not a good idea. You handled this call well but it was THE call. What if it had been?
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
So since last night's call, W has reached out to me twice thus far... Once with the email I mentioned on a previous page, and once to let me know she's changed her address with the post office and is planning on making the trip down to pack up the rest of her stuff sometime in September... She says she'll keep me informed so I can "make my plans or whatever"...
I told her before that I wasn't sure that I'd be here when she decides to come down, but now I'm certainly leaning toward being here so I can talk to her in person about this situation... Not sure if waiting anywhere from two to four weeks will work, but it sounds okay for now...
Journaling: And a warning that today's not a particularly good day mentally for me... You know, roller coaster and all...
Today, the hole in my heart is more recognizable than usual. I woke up this morning acutely aware of how empty the house is these days and how powerless I am to change the situation.
The more resolute I become about telling W that I can't be in her life as a friend or husband so long as OM is in the picture, the more fear creeps into my head. Fear that it'll be the final straw, that it'll be the last conversation we have before papers are served, or fear of the sense of relief I may feel from her end that she can finally end the charade and stop sparing my feelings...
But at the same time, (and this is where it gets annoying) I know that the vast majority of today's feelings of malaise stem from the conversation we had earlier this week, the email she sent with lyrics to yet another song, and the text she sent telling me she'd finally changed her address at the post office... These things just keep reminding me that she's gone, probably spending time with an OM, and I'm back here... available whenever she needs it...
I KNOW I can't keep this up. It's not good for me mentally. Every time I feel like I'm making good detachment progress, that my GAL is helping me to grow... We have a conversation and I slide back into this sadness for a few days again...
I know that telling her I can't continue along this path won't be a cure-all to these things... But I'm hopeful it will help... And I'm terrified it won't.
So in the hour since I wrote my last post, I've thought about/realized a few things:
1. Journaling really helps my mental state.
2. Sometimes, I need to really work much harder on keeping a PMA. Its all a matter of perspective... I can just as easily focus on the "negative" things, the "what ifs" and the "why nots". But it takes the exact same amount of effort to focus on the positive things... Even the same thing can be looked at in a different light... rather than focusing on the "woe is me" stuff about W and I's last conversation, the email and the texts, I could just as easily focus on the fact that, at least in some small way, she is still invested in "us"... reaching out to fill me in on her ups and downs, sharing song lyrics and keeping me updated on her "goings on". Does this change the situation at all or my plan of action? No, but it can certainly help me keep a positive mental attitude.
3. It's this exact type of situation that drove W crazy about me... how I'll get overly "emotional" and kinda spin out of control for a while, then a short time later, I'm back in a different mindset... I guess a good 180 to work on is to continue along THIS path instead: Rather than voice these concerns and over-emotional moments to the world at large, I can simply journal them out... share with a group of friends or whatever... then let the details soak in for a bit before reacting.
4. I haven't been to the gym since Sunday, and have over the last two weeks been much too lax about getting up in the morning and hitting the gym before work. I spent about 12 weeks going 5-6 days a week, but over the last couple weeks I'm more in the 2-3 range. I need to get back to the healthy (physically and mentally) routine that I'd followed previously and break out of this "extra hour of sleep" pattern I've developed lately. Can't let all this hard work go to waste! As a matter of fact, I'll be hitting the gym on the way home tonight... That'll help the ol' mental state for sure!
Sorry about the Jekyll and Hyde stuff! But it feels nice to vent these blue feelings rather than let them simmer.
I'm sorry it's a hard day for you. I do understand the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing right now, I really do. I had many of them myself.
Just remember, introspection is GOOD; navel-gazing . . . ehhh, not so much. Try to balance this period in your life with 1 part introspection, 2 parts action, until you become more action-oriented and less melancholy.
It's funny, after all these years here I can begin to spot the profile of the successful DB'er. Those that have zero ability at ANY kind of introspection, learning how to realisticallya assess their relationship shortcomings and working on a plan to overcome them, inevitably fail.
But so too do the navel-gazers -- those that are still here, months and even YEARS later, thread after thread, post after post . . . so many words. At some point, you have to take what you learn in your moments of quiet introspection and turn them into ACTION PLANS, and begin the hard slog of executing those plans, step after step after step.
btw, I'm not saying this is YOU. You are still "freshly bombed," having only been here about a month. I'm just sharing what my observation has been about how the most successful people balance the two things.
Hey Alk. Just want to stop by and say hello. Don't have a lot of advice for you for now. At least not anything different than what Starsky has been telling you.
Hang in there. There are definitely going to be bad days. Just know that it will get better. One way or another.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
