Not a very happy story, I'm afraid..

[9600]

"what does that have to do with anything?"

The fact that she still remembered it is a big deal. You better start learning that it's how women operate. Just because YOU don't see it as a big deal, doesn't mean that SHE DOESN'T.

True. Oh I'm sure it was a big deal to her at the time. I wish I could remember exactly what I said. I think it was something like, "really? You're using something from almost 2 years ago, which at the time you said was forgiven, and has never happened before or since, to justify your continued disrespect toward me now?" Not the best/most validating thing to say. What should I have thought/said instead? How do I keep from blurting out crap like that?

"After Friday night, I became certain that she was cheating on me. Where could she be if not at someone's house til 3am?

Be careful of guessing things, unless you have concrete evidence, you have to stop this line of thinking or else all you're going to get is angry. Which is what you're doing.

" But the realization I had was this: whether it's physical or emotional or just losing interest, she cheated on me the moment she started closing herself down."


That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. You do understand that you can NOT like someone and not have an A right? Read the Walk Away Woman. You've got alot to learn about women.

I guess I wasn't very clear or maybe my words didn't mean what I thought they meant. I have that problem sometimes. I didn't mean it was acceptable or that the two are the same. But as it says in DB/DR, the (possible) affair is a symptom of the problem, not the root. I guess what I meant was that I've been very anxious and angry about a possible affair (the symptom) rather than worrying about the root of the problem (our marriage issues, lack of communication, etc.). I guess it was a means of reframing my perspective and letting go of what she is doing now and trying to relax about it. I don't want to guess about what she's doing, or who she's doing it with. I don't want to be that crazy person. Guess it's a way to defuse the crazy thoughts. Maybe I picked the wrong words to describe it. Here's how my thought process went:
Before:
Crazy voice: "she must be cheating on you!"
Me: "oh no that would be awful! I should check her phone and her facebook and her text messages!!"

Now:
Crazy voice: "she must be cheating on you!"
Me: "well, that's certainly a possibility. My choice is to not get upset about that possibility, because #1 it may not be true, and #2 the damage to our relationship was done a long time ago. cheating would just make it "easier" to divorce, which I don't want."

"When she gave up on the marriage, she gave up on her promise to me. THAT is the issue, not who she's with now or how she's coping. THAT is what needs to turn around if this is going to go anywhere. "

No. In order for things to turn around, both of you need to learn to communicate about each other's needs. And that starts with YOU.

No argument about needing to learn to communicate. But right now I don't need to communicate, I need to shut the F up and let her walk her walk. She has to want to make things work, which, right now, she's too angry to do. None of my needs matter to her at all at this point, that is clear from her actions and from her words. So I have to wait for her to "buy in" if I want to leave the possibility of reconciliation open.

"I guess my self respect is coming back a little bit."

That's not self respect talking. It's anger. Self respect comes from understanding through compassion. You're just getting angry.

I really don't feel angry. I actually feel more peaceful than I have in a while. I feel like I know where I stand, even if it's knee deep in muck. She's extraordinarily angry, exhausted and won't let go of the past to move forward. It really does make me unhappy to see her this way, but I know she's got to get through this herself, and I can't set a pace or otherwise control how she wants to deal with this.

I'm going to leave the door open and try as hard as I can to go as dim as I can, but still maintain a friendly, safe attitude. Really I don't think the counseling is working, I don't think we're solving anything by going on weekly dates if she's still so angry and scared. When the subject came up in counseling I actually suggested once every 2 weeks, but she wanted once a week. So I'm conflicted. My mind is very black and white on this, and I need to be more comfortable with gray. It's not easy.

Thanks for the thoughtful response. It makes me think quite a bit about how the things I say are interpreted. I'm finding that it's not what I mean, it's what I say that matters, because that's the only thing people can hear.