After 18 months - H is finally filing.

[keep_going]

Time to update my own thread...

Needgrace, GabbysM, Bug, Busting, BMom, DaddyLSH, Zig & 25... All I can say is thank you for all the encouragement and support. It's my lifeline right now.

I agree with you all that H questions my motives. As a matter of fact, as recently as yesterday he told me he does not trust my motives. I have also seen the pattern of H turning back to me and sharing personal stuff and then running away... It has happened before.

One of the most helpful things when reading others' threads is finding the similarities and recognizing patterns of behavior - in my H, but most importantly, in myself. I think this is where a lot of our growth and improvements come from. Easier said than done, though - at least for me...LOL
I had a major setback since my last post.

I paved the way by pretty much ignoring my H's emails re. attorney and D. I just told him to do what he needed and then didn't answer his follow-up requests re. L and filing. I can see now how it came out as passive aggressive. Zig put it well - one thing is to not help them with the D and the other is to hinder or delay the process, try to stall and do more of the same by avoiding the issue. My fear let me to once again ignore H - more of the same with bad results.

And that behavior triggered another argument where we fell back into our lousy, unhealthy, typical bad, bad dynamic that we have had for years. H asked about Labor Day. I said I didn't know who's turn it was with the kids, we should figure it out based on who had them last year. He got upset and tried to hold it in (his typical conflict-avoidance reaction).

I noticed and nicely asked at first what was wrong. He tried to deny it. I insisted. He then admitted it and blamed me of trying to go back in our custody agreement and not participating with him on the D dialogue. I felt attacked and tried to defend myself. He drove away leaving me practically in mid-sentence.

I sent him a text asking him to not be rude and leaving like that and I tried to explain myself and my motivations. It went downhill from there. The blaming game started on both ends, etc. The important (and very sad) outcome - H still doesn't trust me at all.

- He questions my motives behind my approach to D and fears me wanting to take kids away from him.
- He doesn't understand why I wouldn't accept 50/50 custody right away. He feels it as a personal attack - I don't think he is a good father or want to punish him.
- He says he gets anxious and fearful every time he sees me in person. He doesn't know if I will react badly or be nice. He is still walking on eggshells and hates it.
- He says he knows I am trying to change but believes I never will. He is tired of me apologizing and then reverting back to my old, impulsive outbursts when I backslide. Saying I am sorry is not enough for him.
- He is convinced he will never come back. We will never be able to communicate w/o fighting since we still do. We are not good for each other.
- He cannot be the man I fell in love with - a weak and immature man. He has changed, he is not the same and I am still my old self.
- He doesn't believe that I will not fight him in the D.


I am having a hard time forgiving myself right now... After all this time, I still backslide. When I said before that I was a mediocre DBer at best, I was NOT exaggerating. As a matter of fact, I have been a lousy one. My behavior when I backslide and my H's beliefs confirm this. I have not kept the road home paved and clear. He doesn't feel comfortable or trust me. He still fears my reactions.

I know I am a strong person. That strength has helped me stand up after each and every fall and keep trying. When H first left, I used to pray to God to help me find a way to save my M. But it's been a long time since I pray for him to give me strength not to keep standing, but to help me change.

I have improved in other R's, but not with H. I am still my old self. Maybe not having such frequest outbursts, but still having them. And every time I have one, it's like starting from zero.

I have sabotaged by own efforts and if H ever had any doubts in his mind, I have made sure to validate and solidify his decisions.

I am sorry. I am just venting. It was a rough night for me. But I am not done.

And... we move forward, regardless of the outcome...

Yes, KD, we mover forward.
thank you...