After 18 months - H is finally filing.

[keep_going]

Time to update my own thread...

Needgrace, GabbysM, Bug, Busting, BMom, DaddyLSH, Zig & 25... All I can say is thank you for all the encouragement and support. It's my lifeline right now.

I agree with you all that H questions my motives. As a matter of fact, as recently as yesterday he told me he does not trust my motives. I have also seen the pattern of H turning back to me and sharing personal stuff and then running away... It has happened before.

One of the most helpful things when reading others' threads is finding the similarities and recognizing patterns of behavior - in my H, but most importantly, in myself. I think this is where a lot of our growth and improvements come from. Easier said than done, though - at least for me...LOL
I had a major setback since my last post.

I paved the way by pretty much ignoring my H's emails re. attorney and D. I just told him to do what he needed and then didn't answer his follow-up requests re. L and filing. I can see now how it came out as passive aggressive. Zig put it well - one thing is to not help them with the D and the other is to hinder or delay the process, try to stall and do more of the same by avoiding the issue. My fear let me to once again ignore H - more of the same with bad results.

And that behavior triggered another argument where we fell back into our lousy, unhealthy, typical bad, bad dynamic that we have had for years. H asked about Labor Day. I said I didn't know who's turn it was with the kids, we should figure it out based on who had them last year. He got upset and tried to hold it in (his typical conflict-avoidance reaction).

I noticed and nicely asked at first what was wrong. He tried to deny it. I insisted. He then admitted it and blamed me of trying to go back in our custody agreement and not participating with him on the D dialogue. I felt attacked and tried to defend myself. He drove away leaving me practically in mid-sentence.

I sent him a text asking him to not be rude and leaving like that and I tried to explain myself and my motivations. It went downhill from there. The blaming game started on both ends, etc. The important (and very sad) outcome - H still doesn't trust me at all.

- He questions my motives behind my approach to D and fears me wanting to take kids away from him.
- He doesn't understand why I wouldn't accept 50/50 custody right away. He feels it as a personal attack - I don't think he is a good father or want to punish him.
- He says he gets anxious and fearful every time he sees me in person. He doesn't know if I will react badly or be nice. He is still walking on eggshells and hates it.
- He says he knows I am trying to change but believes I never will. He is tired of me apologizing and then reverting back to my old, impulsive outbursts when I backslide. Saying I am sorry is not enough for him.
- He is convinced he will never come back. We will never be able to communicate w/o fighting since we still do. We are not good for each other.
- He cannot be the man I fell in love with - a weak and immature man. He has changed, he is not the same and I am still my old self.
- He doesn't believe that I will not fight him in the D.


I am having a hard time forgiving myself right now... After all this time, I still backslide. When I said before that I was a mediocre DBer at best, I was NOT exaggerating. As a matter of fact, I have been a lousy one. My behavior when I backslide and my H's beliefs confirm this. I have not kept the road home paved and clear. He doesn't feel comfortable or trust me. He still fears my reactions.

I know I am a strong person. That strength has helped me stand up after each and every fall and keep trying. When H first left, I used to pray to God to help me find a way to save my M. But it's been a long time since I pray for him to give me strength not to keep standing, but to help me change.

I have improved in other R's, but not with H. I am still my old self. Maybe not having such frequest outbursts, but still having them. And every time I have one, it's like starting from zero.

I have sabotaged by own efforts and if H ever had any doubts in his mind, I have made sure to validate and solidify his decisions.

I am sorry. I am just venting. It was a rough night for me. But I am not done.

And... we move forward, regardless of the outcome...

Yes, KD, we mover forward.
thank you...

[Rick1963]

KG u know we are very similar right? Hot headed Latinos. Always want to be right and win that damm argument. My way or the highway. It don't work drop the gun and let it go. It was hard for me too but now I even practice that at work. I just pick my battles carefully, listen and prioritize. I can see that you have changed. But you admit that you haven't with H. Why?

El orgullo destruye.

[adinva]

KG your strength is so inspiring. You know what you need to do, just keep picking yourself up and trying again. Never stop. Don't beat yourself up for being human, but just keep learning and trying.

I'm like you. I've wished on two birthday cakes' candles to stay married (oops hope that didn't jinx it) but I don't know that'll be my wish next year. This is about more than just your marriage, even though when you started you thought that was ALL it was about.

Take care,

[keep_going]

Adinva - Thanks for stopping by! It's nice to see some of the folks I first met when I joined the boards who have made so much progress. And you are one of them!
You inspire me too and I appreciate it.

Rick - thanks for your comments. I know today is a specially tough day for you, so it means a lot that you are here, trying to help others. Gracias de todo corazon...

Yes, we are those "hot-headed latinos. ;-)
And yes, I always wanted to be right with my H. And even though he is not Latino, he always wanted to be right too. Great combo, huh? One of the many things 25 has taught me (all of us), rather be happy than right. So I don't fall into that trap as often. My problem with H is when I try to explain my POV and get him to realize that I don't mean harm, acknowledge my feelings and forgive me.

The problem is that since he is looking for the same validation from me, then we get nowhere because we are both too busy trying to get ourselves be heard. I think that comes from years of neglect and getting farther apart from each other. We both had so many unmet needs and felt so abandoned and justifiably hurt... (The only difference is that my H finally couldn't do it anymore and gave up and I didn't.)

Even now that H has moved on, I believe he still cannot validate me because he has not forgiven me. And I understand it would be hard when he still feels I have not changed. So I get that. For me, I think it is hard because of my expectations. My coach equated my marriage to the firing of an employee.

My H was done with the M. He fired me as his wife. Yet, because I still see him as my H, I wanted to still show up to work every day. Very awkward for him, the employer. He basically said, you could show up to work, but you are not on payroll and won't get a check.
Then OW comes in the picture... A new employee. I get there in the morning and she is sitting at my old desk. So now I get more frustrated. I still believe I deserve my old job, I want to be there but I have been fired, have no desk and my former employer is saying - go home.

As long as I have expectations and keep treating my H as such and not as a neighbor with whom I can be friendly, I will get triggered and caught up in the vicious circle of arguing with him.

I don't know - it made sense the way the coach explained it.
All I need now is to detach and not see my H as my H...
Simple enough, right?

[Rick1963]

Si Es simPle el no Es tu marido. So keep growing and be the best KG u can be. I know you have it in you I see it so keep digging. And stop arguing with him. He is scared of you same with my ex. Let it go and be happy. When you defend....you haven't learned. We u accept maybe u have changed. I am in your corner always.

[keep_going]

Rick - thank you for being in my corner. You have inspired me to do a happy update.


When I said earlier I was a mediocre DBer, I wasn't lying. Some things I have not accomplished, but others, I have done GREAT.

I have found gratitude at a whole new level. Thanks to what happened to me, I was forced to look at myself. I now have the time and a chance to work on myself. I am grateful because even though this opportunity came with a lot of pain, some people never identify or grab that chance.

I was also able to get off the rat race life I was living and now have the opportunity and good fortune to spend quality time with my three kids, whom I adore. I think I put off getting pregnant partly because I was scared I would not be a good mom - like mine. Impatient, disconnected, always on the run, non-emotional and not affectionate. I am so proud of the mom I have become. Yes, my life with three little ones is not always fun or easy. I do go thru moments where I want to pull my hair out, but I would not change anything. I have also been the steady and strong one for them in all of this. I have helped then thru their struggles and I can see them being a lot happier and well-adapted than when this nightmare began. Others notice their change as well.

I have also learned to focus on me. I had lost myself in trying to be everything for everyone while only getting resentful for it. I now try to be aware of where I am emotionally, learn from mistakes and finding ways of improving. I had become so isolated - now I am working on re-connecting with all the ones who love me and that I love and being more open and vulnerable. I am human and I have issues too and it's ok to share them and be imperfect. Heck, even posting on this site has been a huge step for me in terms of talking openly about myself and my struggles.

I am also working on recovering my self-esteem and I feel stronger today. I know this will be a long process and I have a lot to work on, but I know I am at least starting to put one foot in front of the other on this issue.

I have regained an ability to have fun. I was so unhappy, boring, negative and resistant to let myself be happy, that I forgot how to do it. I work on smiling and enjoying things - both small and large. And even though I still go thru periods of sadness, they happen less often. And when they do, I experience them fully and then move on and let go. They are also shorter and I bounce back faster. Luckily, I have my kids to think about and be an example for, so I cannot sit to dwell too much anyways.

So I can say that I am happier overall. I was just telling my MIL yesterday how blessed my life is. Yes, a year ago I would have never thought I would say that, but it's true. I have a full life and except for losing the R with my best friend and love of my life, everything else has improved. Everything!

So... Tonight I am grateful. My kids will be back tomorrow morning and I cannot wait for another fantastic day with them.

Still A LOT of work to do - other relationships are still on the mend and I need to get back to working out. I still need to go thru my upcoming D process and I will need to figure out what "I want to do when I grow up" and have to go back to work sometime in the future. And while I have no idea what that new career path will be, I know I won't go back to what I had before. No way.

My life now is all about balance, appreciation for all I have and a commitment to always improve. There is ALWAYS room to grow.

[keep_going]

I need some feedback.

When H dropped off the kids this morning he said. "S1 has a bad rash. Do you clean him everyday?" What kind of Q is that... The kid is 13 months and he is the 3rd baby I raise. His implication of me not taking care of S1 triggered me.

I said. "Of course I do. H, you are the smartest man I know. Did you really need to ask that? You know the answer perfectly well so please look into your motives for asking that." He said I was getting defensive, he just wanted to know what happened. He then left.

I sent him a text apologizing for getting defensive and reacting.
He said he just wanted to know so we could avoid the problem in the future. I said rashes are perfectly normal even when there is good hygiene. I said I was offended because he immediately assumed I did something wrong and asked him if it occurred to him that the rash might have started yesterday after he picked the kids up.

I then told him I should have not gotten sucked into this nonsensical blaming game with him. That this is something we do all the time and I am trying to stop it. He defended himself again and said I was reading too much into it and accused me of being passive aggressive.

He ended the text exchange by sending me some suggestions in quotes for how to stop the rash that he found out on the internet.


I know I overreacted. I should not get pulled in. I get that.

My question is -
This happened all the time... Something "wrong" happened. H would would question me, with the implicit assumption that I did something to cause it. He would then proceed to instruct me on how to fix it.

I always felt his approach was very condescending and felt so belittled by it.
Is he right? Am I reading too much into it?

[keep_going]

Is he right?

Never mind. I can answer my own question: who cares!

ugh. back to square one...

[keep_going]

This thing won't stop bothering me...

The question is not if he is right for the sake of being right.
The question is if my approach and POV are incorrect - for the sake of this and all my relationships; so I can learn to identify my behavior and fix it.

I don't want to have unrealistic expectations of others and I don't feel anyone should feel like walking on eggshells fearing my reactions to things that may be perfectly normal.

I understand my underlying fears behind my defensiveness...
I always wanted to please my H. I worked so hard, but felt short. I constantly felt that he was pointing it out too. He always denied it and accused me of being defensive. This is what I want to determine.

Maybe it was all in my mind (like today?). I had always been very insecure about pleasing him - this has to do with my co-dependency and my guilt because I was trying to do too much and I knew I was failing. I also felt all the responsibility for making things ok and internally beat myself up when things were not.

Anyways, I am writing all of this because I am trying to get to the bottom of a behavior pattern in me that is not working and I want to fix.

That is where my question is coming from...

[adinva]

I can answer that!

"When H dropped off the kids this morning he said. "S1 has a bad rash. Do you clean him everyday?"

"Yes, I do. Thanks for alerting me to it though."

KG, you added a lot of baggage to his question based on past conversations and past hurts, and wanting to feel like a good mom, and how dare he, and on and on. But if the question was really what you wrote here, none of that was called for and it would help you to practice a stop sign or deep breath to avoid reacting before your brain can kick in.

Try to always assume the best in what he asks you, don't try to read between the lines, wonder at what he meant, or take offense, because YOU will feel better in the longrun if you don't. I heard a motivational speaker once tell a group to always go on the assumption that everybody likes you, really likes you. What's the harm? Either they do, and you can be comfortable and confident and shine in their presence, or they don't and you won't know it anyway, and you'll be comfortable and confident and shine in their presence... I was struck by that because I often assumed people were judging me or wouldn't like me, or would think my jokes were dumb or my singing lousy or whatever, and that held me back.

So, do you think you could have just answered "yes, why yes I do, and thanks I'll keep an eye on it" or something? And just chosen not to take offense?