Divorced #3

[Mrs D]

MrsD: I truly believe that even though people have free will, if asked God certainly can and will help. I also have to tell you I think its pursuing at its finest and the bad part about it is the part I think your missing is not what your saying, but what he's hearing. When you do those things all he hears is you go do whatever you want and i'll be plan B in case you wanna come back. Don't get me wrong, that may very well be true, but he can't know its true. I know it seems like alot of game playing and trust me im with you im a grown man and have no interest in junior high games, but even if your willing to stand there and be plan B don't let him know that.

Im willing to wait as long as it takes for my W to begin working on our relationship, but she cant think for one second that im just gonna sit around and wait until she does. Thats what GAL is about, its mostly for yourself, but it also shows that your a strong confident beautiful woman who does things and if he's not careful you'll meet someone while doing those things that appreciates you and then his chance will have passed. We all struggle with it, but you undermine yourself with just a simple line like that, even if you didnt 'ask' him to go, the fact that you said he'd be your first choice means that he comes before your friends and anyone else in your life and that not only allows him to leave you at plan B, it also pressures him b/c he has made it clear that at least for now he doesn't want that position.

As you put it that way, you are right. I didnt think that I was pursuing, but after reading what you had just posted - you are so correct. Darn it - I thought I was doing better again. I think I put it out there, to let him know that I was still trying to make him a priority cause I hadnt before. That was shot in the foot again, wasnt it. Lesson learned once again.

[Mrs D]

There was a great post on here once and I can't rememeber who had it, but the gist of it was if your thinking about them, and their thinking about them, then who is thinking about you? Since they're going to be thinking about them, you have to think about you or no one is.

Another that I have added to my monitor. Thank you again.

[Mrs D]

So - this is what Ive been thinking this morning. Back when H and I met, he was still with a girl that was extremely crazy. Toxic is what we will call her. They had been dating maybe 3-6 months - not that long. I was bartending then, and he would come into the bar, have a couple beers, and talk about their problems. I listened. They eventually broke up because like I said - she was very toxic. I was out of a relationship myself - maybe three months - and we just sort of hooked up. Mind you, we had been friends many years prior to that, when I was married to my ex-ex husband. He told me he was always jealous he was married to me. When he found out that my ex-ex and I divorced, my H was in another relationship so obviously it didnt work out then.

I was trying to think of the person that I was then. I was independant. I was very confident. I was happy, bubbly, funny. I wasnt ever jealous. I was laid back. I fell in love with this man deeply and quickly.

I remember he wanted to ask me to marry him over Xmas. He called my Dad and asked him for my hand, and my Dad told him that he should wait because we'd only been dating alittle over 3 months. So he waited. Until after the New Year LOL. He and another friend decided that night we were going out for dinner, while he had his best friend set up 6 dozen roses around the Xmas tree. And a banner over the Xmas tree - Would you Marry me? He rushed into the house to put Kenny G on the stereo, but I had to use the restroom so bad that I ruined his surprise for me. But he still got down on his knee, and asked me to marry him. He was so so nervous. Of course I said yes, and I looked forward to the future of having him forever as my husband.

And now I dont. I still have the banner. I still have photos of all the rose bouquets around the tree. I still have the photos. I have all the memories. I still have the ring. But I dont have the one thing that made my life complete.

Yeah. Thats what I was thinking this morning.....

[Brian in Hville]

You should consider asking him to box them up for you and give them to you. You would be making a strong statement that he will not be able to ignore.

Well I won't wait until I completely give up and some of them i'll have to take care of sooner rather than later, especially the tax thing, I've gotta get those in the next month so I'll have time to finish our taxes, but the rest of it can sit there until either we are together or we are divorced. Until one of those two things happen im not going to take stuff out of 'our' house whether im living there or not.

Funny I still see the house as ours when I talk to friends. He has never asked me when I was coming to get my things. I would think that with the GF there, he would want these things gone, but the request has never been there. I noticed the last time I was in the house, the wedding photos are down (cause I took them down - shouldnt have cause I bet they would still be hanging) but they are still sitting on the table where I left them. If I were the GF I would feel uncomfortable - but thats just me.

[MrBond]

How long were you M'd to your other two H's? Why didn't they work out?

[Mrs D]

You should consider asking him to box them up for you and give them to you. You would be making a strong statement that he will not be able to ignore.


Funny I still see the house as ours when I talk to friends. He has never asked me when I was coming to get my things. I would think that with the GF there, he would want these things gone, but the request has never been there. I noticed the last time I was in the house, the wedding photos are down (cause I took them down - shouldnt have cause I bet they would still be hanging) but they are still sitting on the table where I left them. If I were the GF I would feel uncomfortable - but thats just me.

[/quote]

Nope - they are staying there.

[Mrs D]

How long were you M'd to your other two H's? Why didn't they work out?

Sorry MrB - I had one other ex. Then my H now. The first marriage ended because he was heavily into drugs and didnt want to get help. I wanted a better life for myself and my daughter. Our marriage lasted 3 years. He moved out and I asked him for a divorce when my daughter was 1. After that marriage, I had 1 long term relationship, then another for 3 months - then my H.

[Mrs D]

And my thoughts for this afternoon:

I dont think that I have wavered myself too much from when I met my H - except with the fact that I never would have thought to have had a one night, and then the EA. Ever. I am still the same person, minus the confidence that I once felt 5 weeks ago. I am not the same broken person as I was then - so Im guessing I AM getting stronger.

In my heart, I know one day we will be together again. Its the way he does look at me. Its the way that he hugs me. Carasses my back while in the embrace as he did last night. Its the fact that he knows, me being that close, that I will probably kiss his right side of his neck. Just a small peck. Ive done it the past three times we've embraced. Im sure he knows I will do it again if I am ever to embrace him again.

Its there. And when I feel stronger, and gain that confidence 100%, when my mind is healthier - there isnt anything that will hold me back because anything is possible. Hopefully at that time he will see me as the person that I was before all this crap started with the affairs. But Better.

This is what my heart and mind are sharing with me this afternoon. And I just wanted you to know.

[Arsene]

In my heart, I know one day we will be together again. Its the way he does look at me. Its the way that he hugs me. Carasses my back while in the embrace as he did last night. Its the fact that he knows, me being that close, that I will probably kiss his right side of his neck. Just a small peck. Ive done it the past three times we've embraced. Im sure he knows I will do it again if I am ever to embrace him again.

Sorry MrsD, but again, this kiss on his neck might be precieved very differently from his point of view. It might make him very uncomfortable and might even make him pull away. It's kind of what happened between me and W. At first there were these nice touchy moments, hugs, kisses on the neck, arm holding and then, I think she got scared and totally pulled back. I realised since that it was a form of pursuing. Now even hand touching when we exchange something is a bit weird.

You say he knows you'll do it again the next time you embrace. How would he feel if you didn't? I bet you that would make him wonder about what's on your mind. JMO

[Mrs D]

In my heart, I know one day we will be together again. Its the way he does look at me. Its the way that he hugs me. Carasses my back while in the embrace as he did last night. Its the fact that he knows, me being that close, that I will probably kiss his right side of his neck. Just a small peck. Ive done it the past three times we've embraced. Im sure he knows I will do it again if I am ever to embrace him again.

Sorry MrsD, but again, this kiss on his neck might be precieved very differently from his point of view. It might make him very uncomfortable and might even make him pull away. It's kind of what happened between me and W. At first there were these nice touchy moments, hugs, kisses on the neck, arm holding and then, I think she got scared and totally pulled back. I realised since that it was a form of pursuing. Now even hand touching when we exchange something is a bit weird.

You say he knows you'll do it again the next time you embrace. How would he feel if you didn't? I bet you that would make him wonder about what's on your mind. JMO

Yeah, I know its pursuing. But what if the hugs and that one small peck is what is bringing him back to let the one toe test the water? Maybe he wasn't testing yesterday, I do know that maybe he was really here to hang out with our son. But he literally lives 7 minutes away. What IF it was more?

I am treating it as if he was here for C. But. What if?

Havent spoke to him all day btw.