I noticed something last night and simply because I have nothing else to write about, I'm journaling about it here.
One of my H's issues (on his long list of things I did wrong) is that I hardly ever kissed or hugged him when he came home from work. It wasn't that I didn't want to. No one in my house kissed or hugged anyone until my brother came along when I was 13, so it's not something I grew up doing or felt comfortable doing really.
Anyway, I started doing this a few months ago. At first he would kind of give me this look like what are you doing? Then the look became the skeptical "Why are you doing it?" look. But he's never pulled away, and has actually kissed me first or stopped what he was doing to kiss me hello. This leads me to last night.
I come home and he's in bed asleep. He hasn't been feeling well (I think it's allergies), and was laying down. I just woke him up to let him know I was home and told him I would let him get some rest. I figured I'd kiss him later when he got up. Well, a little while later he got up to use the bathroom and get a glass of water. So he walks by me going back to lay down, stops in the hallway, turns around and comes to kiss me hello.
I almost cocked my eyebrow at him, but managed to keep my face as neutral as I possibly could. (At least I hope I did) So maybe me stepping out of my comfort zone and doing a 180 is a good thing. Even if our M ends, I will do my best to never hold affection/love from my SO again. Even if it makes me uncomfortable...because doing that is not my authentic self. I know that now. I have all of this love inside and someone's going to get it. LOL
