To Lovingly Detach

[Arsene]

Just a bit of journaling.

Today was overall nice. I went to the pool for my daily laps with D8 (she is still on holiday) and I managed to get a few things done on the job-hunt front.

My big problem is that I always think about my sitch (I'm sure I'm not alone) and I have to get busy and keep my mind off of it. I'm still usually able to keep a PMA but it's very demanding and I just know what a relief it would be to not think about it for longer than 5 minutes at a time. Hopefully when I start working it'll help.

So I spent most of the day online, looking for jobs and clubs or support groups I could join in this city and guess what? There isn't much posted online and what there is usually costs more than I can afford. I'm also down to four local universities where I looked for language lessons an most don't have such a program (this is not an immigration country) and the one I found which did, charges more than I can afford. Not looking good for GALing.

Tomorrow I'm meeting someone re: teaching English to the entire staff of a medical clinic. If this goes through, I could be starting as early as this Saturday and just this 6 hours of teaching, one day per week, would give me enough to live in this country. This would be great as it would allow me to still take care of D8 and to continue work on my music.

W came around tonight because D8 wanted to see her. She was again dropped off by OM. Nothing wrong but it was just one of these days when we didn't really have anything to say to one another. We went for a walk with D8 (I had told D8 that we would go for a walk after dinner and when W arrived D8 asked again so we all went together). D8 rode her bike so W and I were left alone for quite some time but nothing much was said, other than me and D8 goofing off whenever she rode past us. W looked tired. She told me that yesterday's event ended up being a flop. She complained about having been "sabotaged" by her "colleagues/friends", and she displayed anger and malice about them in a way I didn't know she had in her. It made me sad to see that. She used to be so loving, patient and forgiving. She used to be loved and respected by all, and now this. I simply validated and listened.

I wish I could have told her that we reap what we sow and that the person she is now might be influencing the way people behave with her. Maybe I could have helped her see how she has changed, not necessarily for the best, but I guess that would have been me trying to fix her when she doesn't think she needs fixing. So I said nothing and tried not to show my sadness.

I also notice how D8, although she misses her mom, doesn't seem to be so attached to her anymore. I think W also noticed and it also made her sad. It breaks my heart to see this.

Still, after D8 went to bed, I left them alone for 30 minutes but I eventually asked W to leave because I had to go to bed as well. I think wife was a bit surprised to be "asked to leave" and when she did, we just exchanged a brief "goodbye". I didn't accompany her to the door, she just left on her own, to go meet OM around the corner.

Now, I'm sitting here, telling you this sad story and although it does sadden me, there is also a certain fatalistic indifference creeping in, which doesn't please me at all.

Thanks for listening.