I've done everything wrong and need help!!!!!

[KevinScotland]

Ok. Here I go. I've been reading posts on this great site for about 2 months now and trying to save my marriage. Last night (after trying to talk with my wife who I believe from what I've read is a WAW. Am not even sure anymore how to describe her am that confused) I walked away after trying to talk completely lost now as what to do.

I'll start with my story. I hope someone  on here can make sense of it because I can't anymore.

My wife and I have been together for 7 years and married for 2 and a half years up to the date she dropped the bomb. Everyone raved about what a great couple we were. In July 2011 her father died while walking. He fell off a cliff. It was devastating for everyone. My wife was never the same after that. Before her dad died our sex life wasn't great. I wanted more sex, she didn't. She always explained it as my problem because my sex drive was high and hers was low. I always started the sex. In the whole 7 years she started sex maybe 3 times at the most and only once did I ever say "am not in the mood right now". Anyway, her dads death ripped our life apart. I tried so hard to be there for her, offering comfort as best I could and trying to listen. Talking or trying to talk about life and the ups and downs that life can throw at people. Always I'd feel I said something wrong (i didn't try to and I don't think I did) she would bite my head off, she struck me a few times in anger. I always tried to understand this was her hurting because of her loss. I put up with it for so long. But after a while I had to take a step back. Partly because she asked for space and also because how hurt I felt not being able to help her. I felt worthless, a failure not being able to help her. I was walking around on egg shells trying not to cause trouble or get in a fight about all the stuff. She shut herself away watching DVD box sets or reading. I'd go in to see her to try and talk or just spend sometime sitting with her but she didn't like me being around her and would say she was busy reading a book or I was in the way as she was watching tv.

Before this we had such a strong bond. Inseparable. We had our own lives and interests we'd do apart but we were together also and shared and believed in our time apart as good for us too.

Her dads death made everything difficult. There was a loss in communication and a loss in intimacy. I wanted to keep that going but I feel I was given no tools by her to keep it going. I put it down to her grief and gave her time and space like she asked. Things were starting to get better or so I thought. We'd laugh and joke sometimes, we went to Egypt on our anniversary vacation we'd always have at the start of the year to celebrate our wedding anniversary. Things were starting to get better (she wrote in her journal on April the 17th 2012. "although things on the surface is better with Kevin and I, in the last few weeks I have realised this is not a marriage more like flat mates"). I didn't think things were fixed totally, far from it but things were slowly getting better.

Well on the 27th of April (it's amazing how guys remember these dates so clearly) she said "Kevin there's problems in our marriage do you want to fix them", I said of "course I do. But let's not try and sort them all at once, we'll take it slow and fix this, I love you." anyway she got drunk that night we tried to talk and she thought I would be happier with someone else. I corrected her and said no its you I love and want to be with. Anyway she got drunk and nothing really got sorted. The reasons she listed as what's wrong we're these.
-we don't share a bed.
-we don't spend time together.
-we don't do anything.
-our lives are seperate.
-we don't have mutual friends.
-we don't have sex.
-his smoking annoys me.
- my drinking annoys him.
- we don't share anything.
- we have nothing in common.

All these things I had tried to talk about as they came along as small individual things. I didn't take this list very well and without getting angry or shouting i explained "I've tried to talk to you about these things and most of them were your choices" (the bed thing due to my snoring, lack of sex her choice). They all seemed to me also very small and petty things. Anyway that was the end of April, without pressure I waited for her to ask again about our marriage. The next time was a month later when she said I think we should separate. I told her I loved her but if she really was as unhappy as she said I would let her go because I wanted her to be happy. I said "lets think a bit though ok, don't rush into anything". The next week 5th of june she dropped the bomb and I knew it was for real. I said "am sorry I couldn't have made you happy, I really wanted too. Am sorry". She replied "ditto".

My birthday was the 9th of June, 4 days later and to my surprised she left to go to a festival. Things weren't bad and there was no anger so I was surprised at her just leaving on my birthday. There was a gift but no card. I thanked her for it. Later on that week I felt something was more wrong than just she was unhappy. Shes told me "everything in her life was wrong, her marriage, her job and her location and wanted to move to the city again" (we'd  bought a big lovely house in feb 2011 to start a family) It seemed quick her telling me this and then within 6 weeks of her wanting to try to this. I became suspicious. The next week the 17th of June I seen her phone (I had noticed she had started having it by her all the time over the last month or so) I looked through her phone and I found out another guy had caught her eye. I don't know for sure how far it went but I do know a few days before her journal writing she met him on a night out with her friends. He asked for her number, she gave him it then the next day she texted him "by the way am seeing someone. (seeing someone? That's putting it lightly. Your married). The relationship with him did for sure continue with texts and maybe more but on my birthday at this festival she met him again (she says purely by chance) and she pulled him physically for sure this time and said told him "am single now but I was actually married" (I bet this guy doesn't still know the truth). When I found all this out and confronted her with what I'd found. I gave her 3 chances to start with to tell me. She kept saying there's no other reason for wanting a divorce. When I told her what I had found her face said it all. Her face twisted up. Her mouth started to twist. It was horrible to see in her face this. I asked how could she. And on my birthday. She said there was nothing wrong with that because 4 days before she told me it was over so pulling him on my birthday was ok. I don't and neither does anyone else see it as acceptable.

After I found all this out I started doing all the wrong things. Pleading, asked for us to try again. Looking for anyway and every way to get us back on track. Suggesting ways to grow closer again, you name it I thought of it. There was ocean worth of tears by me infront of her. I was even being sick with how it effected me. I got angry, I said horrid things I regretted saying and took them back right away. She said (even though she's now rewriting history and denying it) "I love you but not in love with you", "it's not you it's me", "we have different life goals", "I love you but not in the right way", " you made me feel worthless (what insult to injury after how she treated me)". Now am starting to get the message. She tells me she believes totally 110% it's over. She doesn't and can't try anymore and doesn't want to try. She insists this has nothing to do with another guy (but it seems it all came out or to the surface after this guy showed her attention). I am totally willing to forgive her and fight till my last breath to save our marriage. She wants me to accept its over and move on. I see how it can work again. I don't know what to do and I need advice.

She even had money all figured out how much I was to get for my share of the house. Everything was planned. All my photos are packed away in a box because I think she can't look at me. She wants to keep her rings. Am so unhappy and confused. I really need help.

I know this is a very long post. But it's been a longtime coming so that's why it's so long.

There are small details also that I've left out. I'll mention them in my next few posts am sure. It's amazing how my story seems similar to others. I've got alot out of reading other people's posts so I hope I can return a bit of what I've gotten.

Kevin.

Me -38, W-28
M-2 half years,
Together - 7 years
Bomb dropped -5/6/12.
S-5/6/12,
OM- 14/4/12.
Found out about OM 17/6/12.