thanks KD and labug

i've got major emotional hangover this morning.

slept right through my alarm and woke up to h knocking at my door, he was stopping by to get the paperwork to go register the cars.

the house was trashed and i feel trashed!!

i don't know if i'm stonewalling here -but yes i do agree with what both of you are saying - that it's not out of the realm of possibility to change my perspective on this and i do believe i can now when i've worked through this.

it's easy for you guys to say - give the responsibility to s to take his own meds.
but s is influenced heavily by h's beleif that the meds are NOT necessary.

he has watched h sit in the doc's office - agree with him and then come home and say - blah that doc is full of [censored], i don't care what he says.

are you guys saying that if s takes over doing his meds (s openly says he doesn't care to do them when he's well!), then what h's stand on it will be insignificant?

and i won't have to deal with it and that's how i get myself out of the double bind?

but this is something h and i should discuss and approach s with, correct? not me just making the decision on my own, discussing it with s and us telling h? because that was what i always did before and it made h really feel non-functional

right now i can't see h agreeing to it - but maybe that is an expectation also - that i expect him to resist and so i prep up in advance - hmm , there's something to think about...


my brain is seriously fuzz right now - and i have a huge bunch to get done today because s and i are leaving early tomorrow morning.

KD - i will think about the goals and which ones i can set - i'm not in any state to do that right now. still struggling not to cry. i think i am feeling incredibly vulnerable right now - and not really sure what about - probably in the process of giving up some incredibly deep fear that i didn't even know was there...

universal timing sometimes [censored] - would have been so much more convenient to be totally with it today to get all the stuff i have to get done, done.

i'm going to meditate - on surrender. that word haas been in the forefornt of my mind since i woke up

thank you friends - you are always here to guide me

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"