I can only imagine how the incident with your brother affected you, as you've described, and in ways you possibly even missed.
Your S is likely to have a shorter life span than if he did not have asthma. Consulting the doctor to find out how much taking or not taking the prescribed medication will help or harm your S would be appropriate and responsible. And eventually... your S will have to be responsible for his own asthma.
As mentioned, I know a few parents with diabetic children. As well as those with severe allergies... personally, I'm probably lucky I lived past the age of 8, due to my affliction of "young boy, unleashed". Seriously... I jumped out of barns, slid off 20 foot sheds in the winters, drove too fast on my motorbike, without my glasses, on moonless nights... I have the scars as proof...
It IS a pattern for you to protect your S. And of course, it's natural. Yet you mention how, when your S doesn't get his meds... he LOOKS AT YOU (and your H)... "protect me"...
As you weigh the disservice of your fixing/controlling with your H, also consider the (a/e)ffects of your behaviour on your S...
The bottom line is... not only do you want to invoke your own "superpowers" to keep your S alive... you are projecting that on your H, as well... that your H step into your super powers to protect your S.
It's a pattern that has shown up a lot.
You may have found the (A) root cause...
The behaviours still show up as expectations...
And that remains your work.
How would you set goals around reducing your expectations?
