Good/bad news is that it wasn’t just one thing that caused the rift.
I have retention issues (that I’m working on). H made a comment one time about my kisses being “too wet” which caused me to stop wanting to kiss him. I felt self-conscious because of that comment. That was the start to the end of our intimacy. Others things got in the way, but I own that mistake (and would spend the rest of my life kissing my H!)
H had a “burn-out” early in our relationship. I was his rock – listened, supported and cared for him deeply during this time. I’ve always said that I didn’t feel like he had made it completely to the other side of it, however, in reflection – I never did!
I felt/feel like I have to tiptoe around his emotions. I have to do anything and everything to make him happy, so he never goes back to that “place”. Even if that means not communicating my feelings. So I wouldn’t share when little things crept up, and so they all got bottled inside and became bombs ready to explode.
We both have self-esteem issues but his caused him to withdraw from our social life and left me feeling alone and unsupported. He missed a few key events during our marriage that left me feeling resentment – like he didn’t want to be there for me.
Resentment also came from the fact that I believed he was relieved when I was passed over for promotions. He loved our home and didn’t really want to move. So every time I got a “no”, he would breathe a sigh of relief. (While I became depressed over never achieving any of my career goals)
I obviously have my own issues – I don’t like to look “dumb” – so I stop myself from enjoying some of the simplest things in life – like a video or card game – because I don’t want to feel stupid. I just don’t do things that I’m not good at (see kissing above) – however, I need to let down my defenses and try!
It was a vicious cycle, never sure of what started which feelings. I know that I have my own healing & growth to do in all this. I have to find the tools to deal with my own issues, so the cycle never gets to start again.
The trust issue, I believe, is three-part – 1) H says I already left twice, so why would he give me an opportunity to leave a third. 2) I shared in one of our conversations about “why” I was leaving that I had thought about cheating. Never did anything, not even a kiss; I didn’t even come close to pursuing it. Just that the temptation was there – the thought - wondering “what if”. And 3) I said some mean things when leaving – things I hoped would make it easier for him to move on. I didn’t mean half of what I said...but now, he’s not sure he can trust anything I say.
And I have to be able to trust him too – that what he is doing/living/trying is genuine. That he won’t repeat his past mistakes!
All these things I am sure we can work on – together! None of these are one BIG thing – just lots of little things. So with the right support, counsel and love – we can make it better!
