To Lovingly Detach

[25yearsmlc]

They had very different tactics (Denver and starsky that is)

Lose the anger, b/c it truly gets you nowhere & it hurts your cause AND your d. I learned that the hard way, but now I'm repeating myself b/c I know I've told you that before.

Maybe you can read some earlier posts from folks, again.

good luck

25,

You are right about their tactics/techniques being different. I didn't mean to confuse what I was saying, I just meant that some of what worked for them has some validity to his sitch. But I am still new here & soaking in as much as I can as well!

Well, the thing about Starsky's sitch, as I understood it, is he SEEMS (hate putting words in his mouth) to suggest he played no role in his w's EA. AND OR

I just cannot recall him admitting that HE changed anything inwardly, other than setting boudnaries, and sounding more assertive. I guess I have a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea that he was ever not assertive enough. (Which is kind of a compliment).

My big fear is LBSers who stare at OPs as THE reason for problems which makes them take their eye off the only thing THEY CAN control, themselves.

I do not believe at all in exposing an affair (meaning, to 3rd parties) as I think it makes recon harder, shames the WAS (whchi does not restore a marriage even if does get a spouse to come home, tail between their legs) and Kaffe Diem spent a lot of time researching exactly what MWD teaches here on this topic right on this thread. And this IS HER site...

In sum, it is counter to the concept of "keeping the road home, paved and smooth."

ANYHOW, I think Starksky openly admits being a follower of Dobson, who has a much different approach than MWD. IT's a much tougher love approaach,

but when I wrestled with this issue of which approach to take, which I DID FOR LONGER than I care to admit,

Dobson sounded TO ME< to be angry or punitive (or could be used as an excuse for it, with disguised "boundary setting" euphemisms)

AND it didn't have a higher success rate that I recalled and IMHO, it minimized the collateral damage by involving other family members.

Again, that is MY opinion of involving Dobson on a DB site.


Does not make Dobson/Starsky "wrong", but since we're here on this DB site I just point out what I'd tell a Catholic at a Methodist church. By analogy, I'd say

"hey, You have your ways and they might be right- but we're doing it the Methodist way here b/c it's a Methodist Church/Site"

Does not mean you cannot discuss Catholicism, or question a Methodist tenet, but it seems weird, TO ME, to push the other one exclusively b/c YOU Like it, or say it worked for you, when this isn't the place for that. Methodism is. For me that analogy makes my point but I don't know if it's clear.

There used to be Another guy who posted here but got banned for constantly pushing HIS/DObson's method of exposing and confronting As. He got banned.

Oddly, I never got the feeling his m had been "saved" so much as his w had returned to the home, tail between her legs. I mean that's just my gut reaction to how HE described his "victory". I have not heard from him though, obviously. But before he was banned I know they were still barely intimate. That means something still bugs her...a lot....

ANYHOW, I agree w/Starsky that we have to question "what is working" in every sitch AND that is covered in DBing.

My issue is that I feel as if he wants to use Dobson's tough love approach almost exclusively, here on THIS site for nearly every sitch. And if anything, it's the Last Resort after the LR has not worked yet...

OTOH -Starsky makes good clarifying distinctions about boundaries for OUR Protection versus punistive measures designed to hurt the spouse, which is NOT our job to do.

I often refer men who come across as needy or clingy, to Starsky so he can give them some "Spinal tap" lessons and get them to see that a needy man is NOT attractive to a healthy woman. They need spines.

Denver's approach was gentler, much more DBing, & firm when it came time. Took a long time, too. Denver spent a lot of time facing some inner things he did not enjoy discovering but what a journey it was!

Denver can say with honesty that HE DID CHANGE and he's a better man for it.
Hopefully with his wife, as it sounds. But a better partner, period. for sure.

make sense?


You are spot on about losing the Anger. Forgiveness is sometimes the hardest thing you'll ever do, but as the song says: "The person who it truly frees is you"

Forgiveness only began with me when I realized how consuming my anger was ON ME AND MY LIFE AND KIDS.

It just took so much of MY energy and kept me pre-occupied from my kids. that robbed THEM and ME of precious time together and remaining "in the now."

We were worrying or stressed so much, I finally had to let it go to stay in the present AND to teach them what every single or widowed mom knows, which is "yes it's hard but we CAN be happy with or without our dad returning."

I know MY anger was not helping the situation and it made h flee faster. It vindicated his justifications for leaving b/c I was "bitching" at him "ALL THE TIME" per him...

one day I heard a neighbor say

"Staying angry to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes." and it rang true for me.

Good luck, keep us posted!