To Lovingly Detach

[Arsene]

I might feel anger at times but I don't let it control my actions or thoughts anymore. In fact I feel quite good about the changes that I'm working on right now and I feel like I am doing a lot of progress, even if I do have the odd relapse.

With regards to OM, I never meant to say that I had nothing to do with W going towards him 2 years ago. I know that the person W was married to then had changed into someone else over the previous 2 years leading up to 3 months ago, however, the man 3 months ago, was still a work in progress with his own setbacks and faults.

The fact is that 3 months ago, W made the plan to continue our lives together, without me pressuring her. This new life, which included moving to the touristic area of the country and working on a music career together was all hers. It thrilled me to hear her voice it and thrilled me even more when she thanked me for being so patient and sticking with her.

The reason why I keep re-hashing this (whether it is helpful or not) is that I don't understand how she went from the one to the other in the course of 2 weeks.

Before she spoke about her plan for our future together, the plan had been that while D8 and I would be in my country, she would take time for herself. If she was leading towards leaving me anyway, why would she even suggest that new life?

I didn't see the first BD coming 2 years ago because I had my eyes closed (and my head up my own butt) but three months ago, we left each other at the airport, lovers with great exciting plans for the future and 2 weeks later...BD.

This is just a thought. It doesn't change a thing to my situation, I guess. I was just wondering if it did make a difference whether the OM was instrumental to the WAS leaving. Somehow, knowing my W, I don't think she would have hooked up with just anyone. It had to be him. What does it mean? Is she in love? She had told me then (2 years ago) that she felt love for him but wasn't sure.

With regards to getting info about OM. I don't know what to say. I've been reading DR pretty religiously since I got it because everyone here has been telling that it was imperative to do so. I believe that it is/was but this is just something which I found on page 216 in the chapter on infidelity, in the section called "When she won't end the affair"

MWD states that we have "investigative work to do", not "to find out what is really going on" but to "figure out what is so darn appealing about this OP".

She then goes on to explain that "You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself."

Now I don't know the value of this but by this statement, it doesn't sound like MWD is supporting the fact that the only goal of DBing is to make myself a better person.

That making myself a better person is important, I accept as a fact and as a necessity. I want to be a better person and I believe that what I am working on will be of great benefit to my life, with or without my W.

A great thread was started by KD on this issue
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2272656&page=1)
but I don't think any conclusions were reached on the true meaning behind MWD words.

All i know is I have no intention on snooping for info on what they do together or where they go to do it. My only interest was/is to follow MWD's guidance on this.

Believe me, I'm not obsessing about OM. In fact, MWD says that "stopping the pursuit and interrogation is incredibly hard to do. In fact, if you decide to do it, it will be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life." Yet I no longer pursue (at least not openly in a way that I would notice - sometimes I'm sure things are said or done which would be seen as that) and I haven't interrogated W (I'm probably too scared to hear her answers) and these happened quite naturally (mainly fear induced mind you).

I'm sorry 25, I'm reading this and I feel like I'm defending myself against you (yet again). Please believe me when i say that I have the greatest respect for you and your opinion (and I mean that) but my previous posts were not written in anger. You stated before,that it could be argued that "all of this is, in a way, about control b/c we want to save our m's", and you have read how much control I used to exert on my W however, I am putting such an effort in not going that way that if I occasionally do it is not consciously. And I have you to thank for this for keeping the mirror in front of me.

In this instance, just trying to follow DR. BTW, my W did say many things about why she left (some of these more valid than others) but at the same time she also said that she wasn't leaving for another man and that she believed I was the only man she could ever be with.

I guess it comes down to "Don't believe a word they say and only 50% of what they do"

Nonetheless, point taken. I'm doing the only thing I CAN do. Work on myself.

Thanks soooo much for your time 25.