a new perspective

[strongerthanever]

MrBond,

Ahhhh...big sigh. I'm throwin my hands up here. WTH is going on with him? Why won't he just leave me alone? I don't bother him, I don't even contact him. I just focus on me. I don't understand his need to start drama. Why can't he just focus on HIS life?

Random questions, I know. But stepping back and centering myself I think I understand. Dare I say I know I understand?

I remember when I was angry, always mad at something he was, or wasn't doing. We wernt even living together or even interacting, and I was always mad at him. 25MLC would get frustrated with me, telling me to keep the mirrior focused on myself. Said I was spinning my wheels. I sure was. The more I think about it, the more I remember feeling what I believe he is feeling right now. Mad. Don't know why, must be the other person, just mad.

I remember telling Zig about that anger keeping me company, distracting myself from the reality of my situation: I was all alone. I had to focus on me, not any one else.I was responsible for where I was in life. I can project the blame/anger all day, but it was me. Just me. Only when I realised that (with the help of members here) was I really able to let go, cry, release... That's when I reached a place where I was able to write H that long email where I reached out to him.

Maybee he's in that same phase, who knows. But I know better now. I know anger is a beefed up protected version of pain/fear. Acceptance, forgivness, peace is the only true evidence of a lack of pain/fear/anger that I know of. I also know that we push away and hurt when we really want to reach out and love. The "bad a$$" or "bit@h" protects us from opening up to feel.

(believing) that I understand where he is in life right now allows me to feel emphathetic, but I will not tolerate his behavior. I understand the importance of the boundaries that I have established and it helps me to maintain them. Idk if he will come out of this phase or not. To be honest I didn't like 25mlc because I didn't understand what she was trying to say. I thought she was just being mean to me. (I know better now, lol) My point is, you only hear what you are ready to hear, and I'm sure you can only grow as much as you are ready to grow.