Tomorrow is a New Day

[zig]

Yet... you describe how busy your life is... OF YOUR CHOOSING... and how relaxed your H appears to be... to you... as he hangs with his buddies, drinking beer...


gosh when i read that - it hit me - i was exactly that -even in my first marriage - i was so so busy and i resented sooo much both my h's ability to just be easy and relaxed all the time, hangin' out drinkin' beer. it made me crazy.

why were they not being as busy as me? why were they not being as vigilant as i was

there were things to do and places to go and they were just sitting around. this had to be fixed, that had to be fixed. it was a constant in my head. didn't they care?

I think as i have gone through my own growth during this last year - i came to realize many things about this.

the most prominent was that i was so f'ing miserable that i didn't know HOW to enjoy life and be easy as they were being. i think deep down i was fascinated and incredibly jealous of the way they could just relax..

and i also realized that that was all they wanted form me - for me to relax and just enjoy being with them - because that was all they really wanted. because when i WAS relaxed when i did let go of all my stuff, i was so much fun to be with , so easy and so lovely to have with them.

but it was a vicious circle we were caught in - the more they continued to relax the more vigilant i felt i had to be (over-compensating) and they both tried for a long long time before they gave up.

i, of course, was oblivious at the time...

and I , of course, was absolutely sure that my way was the right way... at the time...