i guess i was working on that - as you see in my last post
are you saying work towards s being responsible for taking his own meds?
i guess that's not the way i look at responsibilities that the parents take on and the ones that it's okay to give to the kids. i've always seen it as our responsibility.
s doesn't take his inhaler only when he has an attack - he doesn't get those sudden attacks like most asthmatics do. he has to take it every morning and night - all year. and then when he does get an attack (they usually last for one to two weeks), he gets to use the emergency inhaler every 4 hrs also and if that doesn't work then oral steroids/hospital. i've always managed to keep him out of the hospital... the drill is to check his oxygen level and his lung capacity every 4 hours - and those are just not things i feel i should leave him to. besides when he's bad he basically cannot lift his head off the pillow
h thinks (in spite of the asthma specialists emphatic orders) that s should only take it when he gets sick and blow it off the rest of the time especially in the summer. we did that when s was younger - stopped it for the summer and every winter was a relentless nightmare of trying to keep on top of the asthma - there were 2 winters in a row where s went to school less than a month altogether.
when we finally started obeying the doc's orders - our winters were transformed - he still got sick but about 80% less. i was adamant that he had to take it through the summer for the last 4 years - and h fought me on it relentlessly. finally i gave up this summer.
i have decided to believe that s won't get sick like he did before- he seems the strongest he has ever been and as i have let go of my fears, i have let go alot of the worry that s will have winters like those before. h insists he's "growing out of it" and the asthma doctor rolls his eyes and says you dont' grow out of asthma you learn to manage it properly.
so about getting out of the double bind - the only way out is to lose my fear first and then the right way to approach h will come to me. of course when i lose my fear - i may not have to approach h on this matter at all....
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I can only imagine how the incident with your brother affected you, as you've described, and in ways you possibly even missed.
Your S is likely to have a shorter life span than if he did not have asthma. Consulting the doctor to find out how much taking or not taking the prescribed medication will help or harm your S would be appropriate and responsible. And eventually... your S will have to be responsible for his own asthma.
As mentioned, I know a few parents with diabetic children. As well as those with severe allergies... personally, I'm probably lucky I lived past the age of 8, due to my affliction of "young boy, unleashed". Seriously... I jumped out of barns, slid off 20 foot sheds in the winters, drove too fast on my motorbike, without my glasses, on moonless nights... I have the scars as proof...
It IS a pattern for you to protect your S. And of course, it's natural. Yet you mention how, when your S doesn't get his meds... he LOOKS AT YOU (and your H)... "protect me"...
As you weigh the disservice of your fixing/controlling with your H, also consider the (a/e)ffects of your behaviour on your S...
The bottom line is... not only do you want to invoke your own "superpowers" to keep your S alive... you are projecting that on your H, as well... that your H step into your super powers to protect your S.
It's a pattern that has shown up a lot.
You may have found the (A) root cause...
The behaviours still show up as expectations...
And that remains your work.
How would you set goals around reducing your expectations?
Hey zig I haven't read all of this but I did read a few pages back about S and his meds and I thought of this last night. Let him do it, I know very, very young kids who have asthma, diabetes, you name it almost any chronic problem and the sooner they can be in control of their disease and treatment, the better they do. he will probably do a better job than you or H, because it belongs to him. I've seen little kids on chemo who know more about heir labs and drug dosages than most adults.
And if he takes responsibility for it before adolescence, it's so much better.
He can do this.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
slept right through my alarm and woke up to h knocking at my door, he was stopping by to get the paperwork to go register the cars.
the house was trashed and i feel trashed!!
i don't know if i'm stonewalling here -but yes i do agree with what both of you are saying - that it's not out of the realm of possibility to change my perspective on this and i do believe i can now when i've worked through this.
it's easy for you guys to say - give the responsibility to s to take his own meds. but s is influenced heavily by h's beleif that the meds are NOT necessary.
he has watched h sit in the doc's office - agree with him and then come home and say - blah that doc is full of [censored], i don't care what he says.
are you guys saying that if s takes over doing his meds (s openly says he doesn't care to do them when he's well!), then what h's stand on it will be insignificant?
and i won't have to deal with it and that's how i get myself out of the double bind?
but this is something h and i should discuss and approach s with, correct? not me just making the decision on my own, discussing it with s and us telling h? because that was what i always did before and it made h really feel non-functional
right now i can't see h agreeing to it - but maybe that is an expectation also - that i expect him to resist and so i prep up in advance - hmm , there's something to think about...
my brain is seriously fuzz right now - and i have a huge bunch to get done today because s and i are leaving early tomorrow morning.
KD - i will think about the goals and which ones i can set - i'm not in any state to do that right now. still struggling not to cry. i think i am feeling incredibly vulnerable right now - and not really sure what about - probably in the process of giving up some incredibly deep fear that i didn't even know was there...
universal timing sometimes [censored] - would have been so much more convenient to be totally with it today to get all the stuff i have to get done, done.
i'm going to meditate - on surrender. that word haas been in the forefornt of my mind since i woke up
thank you friends - you are always here to guide me
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i reread your post labug - the idea that certain things belong to certain people - that is something i have to add to what i need to mull on.
it really got through to me.
why am i carrying what s has to take care of ?
why am i carrying what h has to take care of?
why am i NOT truly and completely carrying what I need to take care of within myself?
is it easier to take on other peoples's stuff, in the name of responsibility and commitment, so then one doesn't have to face carrying one's own stuff?
i think i just wrote out what my problem is.
once again.. you and KD just nudge me to the truth of the matter?
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Will it be any different if you continue as you are and he doesn't take them when he's with H. If S has the responsibility and wants to have some control over his illness he may take them on his own because he knows he feels better.
Is there and asthma educator in your community? It might be nice for S to get that input.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
dear sweet zig, it feels like so much is opening up in your heart and mind, no wonder you are exhausted ((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))
i think, you are right, it is much deeper than s and his meds.. it goes back to little zig in the car with her B. and perhaps you feel the same way now.. and want desperately to find some ground..
but allow yourself some time on the blanket to recoup and to gather strength today...and to get excited about your marvelous trip w/ S.
love you, zig.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
i think i'm having a hard time getting the actual situation across to you guys.
he does take them when he's with h.
the problem is that h makes it clear that he doesn't think it's important (when H feels like feeling like that) and then at times he is adamant that s of course has to take them
so maybe the issue is inconsistency here.
sometimes i'm allowed to feel secure in the knowledge that h is on the same page as me, and then when i least expect it - suddenly h is talking about - why do we have to give s the meds - look at him he's doing great - and i feel that i have to be the one to "explain" it all again
oh shite - labug - i'm only starting to see the real double bind here.
it's as if h uses this back and forth to hold some sort of nebulous control over a situation he may be fearful about.
and i never saw it from this pov before - i have seen the back and forth with everything else - and it's driven me nuts. but never realized he does it with the meds.
years ago, just for peace of mind, i decided that i wasn't going to be affected by it any more - the hopping from one side of the fence to the other non-stop on every issue. and my life was much easier. but now i see there is still this issue that i have not been able to recognize as the same pattern until now.
i am going to talk about this with mil when i have a chance. she did exactly the same - and it drove fil crazy - as in berserk. it is crazy making behavior for the other person. i will ask her from her pov what it was that fil managed to show her/talk to her that stopped her from doing that in the relationship any more.
maybe something she says will help me to find the right way to handle it for myself. i am not thinking of trying to change this in h - just to get insight about where he might be when he does that, info i can use
about s getting input- h has a complete and utter distrust of the entire medical community - it's huge. so if they have any advice to give - even s dismisses going to get it.
my suggestions are usually responded to in a disdainful scornful "what a load of crap! those guys are f'ing idiots" - sort of way. ...
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
