oh - i'm reading it again - and what pops in my mind is my reaction in it - over compensating?
am i on the right track
but that's where my dilemma lies - and my bind - if i don't "remind" then i have to give up my work time and take care of s. if i do remind then i am caught up in the bind and the over compensating
am i looking at it wrong from my own point of view - why do i have issues with taking care of s when he is sick? i actually do love taking care of him when he's sick - but i don't like the idea any more that it's taken for granted that i will because h has the more important job and so can't leave work
aaargh - suddenly i am having all kinds of things pop up in my mind - like - does my fear come up so much when s is ill that i am freaking too - and my fear makes me control the situation by always offering to take care of s, because i see myself more nurturing and caring for s and h seems more off-hand about it ? oh so somehow maybe i am sub-consciously creating this - because i want the more nurturing care-taking for s and THINK that i provide it better than h does.
just like i did with the parenting issues over the weekend and only when i gave h the chance to step up could i see what he could do.
but i AM confused - the whole year when s was at h's i never once asked about the inhaler and if they were doing it - only to check what dosage they were doing and didn't even question when i felt it was not the right one.
then h himself admitted that he was really reneging on that and one night actually called me to ask if i had the inhaler (s had been with him for 5 nights by then) and then confessed that he hadn't bothered to see if s was doing it or not.
ih my god - i think i see what is going on - over the last few weeks after that incident - h has pulled me into and i have got pulled into that double bind without realizing it.
i have been thinking a lot that h gave up that rental and moved into his parents house because he was exhausted with the effort of taking care of s on his own. i don't think it's a conscious thing on his part at all. and now he's creating that old situation where he knows i get all concerned and cannot resist asking and checking up. he knows where he can get me on this, and i responded without even realizing i got pulled in.
but i still feel confused about s getting ill because of that.
i know it sounds ridiculous to the average person - but a slight cold or ear infection usually triggers off serious asthma issues for s. i have spent most of our winters nursing him back to health ,only to have him sick again within 5 days and then another round of a week or two. when s gets sick - he is really really sick - and h is never around
and now as i write this - a horrible deep fear has come up for me, and i am crying because i can feel the burden of all those hundreds of days and nights and the relentless need to just keep it together no matter how strained or tired i was
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
