Tomorrow is a New Day

[~ kd ~]

Hi, Inga... I thought I would bring over your post from Zig's thread to make a few comments:

Hmmm, I will have to see how I can apply some of that. It will take a lot of self control on my part. For example, I wrote about the handy man I hired in one of my posts. One day I pulled the chain on D16's overhead light and ripped it right out of the light. H told me to get the parts and he would fix it. I got the parts, no fix. He said he didn't want to mess with parts, so I bought a new light. The light sat in a box in my living room for at least 3 years. So, for that time, my D16 had not lighting to do homework, or anything else, other than a desk lamp and a dresser lamp. I finally had a pretty large list of inoperable items and hired a handy man.

My experience is that my H just won't do things if he doesn't want to or feel like dong them. Another example, when I have been unable to take D16 to piano lessons, he refuses to do so, sayuing he's too busy. The truth is, he was too busy to give up hanging out with the guys having a beer. I ended up getting a babysitter to do it. Why? Because I end up being the one inconvenienced and stressed because I then have to go another night, or she doesn't go at all. His mom was a piano teacher and this was something that he supported.

So, if I turn that off, then I have to get over the fact that D16 is possibly going to be the one to lose out and the associated mommy guilt. And she is not going to have any blame issues. She thinks her dad hangs the moon. And he knows how busy I am and how much I do. He jokes about my getting a 4th or 5th job. I also know that he takes for granted what I make time to do.

This would be a huge issue for me to overcome. I totally get the over/undercompensating. However, what you have been able to do is impressive. Oh how I hate balancing successful carrer oriented wife with traditional wife.

You've given me much to ponder. Thans for your insight!

Actually, what I'll do is re-post Zig's notice:

When we have our expectations... as in how you originally thought it would look for your H to step up to his role as a father... as your mother expected your dad to step up in his role... it doesn't look like we expected... so we internally see it as wrong and jump in to fix... and rationalize it as them being unable or unwilling to step into their greatness... for them to grow... to do things in a way that is different than how we'd do it... because our belief systems own us and suggest that if it's not our way... it won't work... it isn't good enough...

Encouraging your H to step into his greatness is one thing...

What's important though, is to realize that his greatness... is just as likely to not show up as you expected...

So... expecting your H to step up and be a great father... by fixing your D's lights and other work around the house... will be your downfall...

I'm not suggesting he may not do those things. Then again... did he complain when you got the handy man?