Had my first session in 6 weeks with my IC this evening. The conversation lasted 90 mins but felt like 30 - time flew by! I had so much to say - so much that I've learned and experienced in the last 6 weeks.
I hadn't explained "why" when I called last week to see if I get an earlier appointment, just that I hoped I could see her sooner. And from the beginning of the session, I could tell she was curious. I started with what's been happening with my work life, which is going amazingly well! I'm so happy & feeling so good about that part of my life right now She was starting to wonder why I was there...
So I explained that I was there because I am still in love with my husband. And she believes me! That it was evident in the telling of my story...
She says if the feelings would have all shown up after the OW, then maybe there could be reason to question - but they started before I knew or even suspected that he was seeing anyone.
The feelings started as soon as I saw my H living his life for himself, no longer wallowing in self-pity - when I saw him HAPPY! He was back to being the man I fell in love with Crazy enough, this was after I gave him the "closure" he needed to move on with his life...
Yes, it's true, the feelings got stronger as I realized how much it hurt to see him moving on. And really, really hurt as he used the same words/emotions to describe his new R, as he had 9 years ago when we met.
And then that got me remembering how we met and how much we enjoyed each other in the beginning, which only made the feelings stronger. And we *finally* got to sit down and talk after 6 months, how good it was to clear the air and how strange it felt to be wishing him well with his new gf...
And she says it IS possible for me to see a change in my values/priorities within 2 months. And she's not even surprised! She says my clarity, healing and growth are just starting and really only started in May, even though I left in January.
She says I am so much more settled now. Last time I couldn't name 5 values (she had to give me a "gimme") and today I know exactly what they are. I know what I need/want and "only" need help & guidance to get there!
She believes that our respective growth and healing CAN bring us back to each other. That I still have a long road to cover before I'll be ready for R with H (or any man), however she believes it is possible to start again. That we can find ourselves on the same road and working on it together. From my side of the story, she believes H still has feelings for me and in time, he will come to believe what is in my heart.
She explained that he was probably waiting almost 6 months for me to say and feel what I'm feeling and saying now. It only makes sense that it feels like a shock to him now. Especially since I kept most of the thoughts to myself for a few weeks while I figured out if it was really what I wanted. I really did take the time to think about it too, I just couldn't approach this situation any other way! It was something that just can't be "unsaid"
She reminds me constantly and throughout the whole session that I can only take responsibility for my emotions, actions and choices. That his are his own, including his reaction to the separation.
My guilt, while a normal reaction, will only slow my progress. Discovering/awakening to my belief that I thought it was my responsibility to keep/make him happy is a big step. Accepting that his happiness is his own to create/claim is a big piece of forgiving myself and moving forward.
She thinks the only thing that is really unhealthy in all this is that I stopped living my 'life'. For example, Saturday I stayed home instead of spending time with friends, just in case H called. Oh and the late night phone calls should stop, as they are affecting my sleep - but it is OK to keep talking and emailing. (Late night calls should stop now anyway as he is back to a regular work schedule now)
She agrees with the boundaries we set about not meeting in person. That, for now, it's just not a good idea. Especially as he is still with OW. She understands my rationale for wanting to find ANY way in that I can, as well as my logic that we ARE still M. Not what she considers the passion unhealthy, because it is good for the R - it's just too soon.
It was a great session and I'll see her again in 3 weeks. She is sure that my patience and clarity will show through in the coming weeks/months. And not to give up hope unless I get a clear "no, not ever" instead of "I'm messed up" or "I'm not sure I can ever trust you" - because neither of those are him saying no...
She was starting to wonder why I was there...
