Don't get all worked up over that. Think positive and stop predicting the worst. No matter what, you've got time and you've spent a lot of it here learning about how to behave in any situation. Keep calm and if you're not sure on how to answer something, don't. Tell her you need to think about it. Most importantly, stay calm, now, during the call and after the call.
Write yourself a list of things to remember during the call.
- Listen to her - Validate - Don't judge - Don't go on the defensive - (insert next item here)
As you talk to her, read that list and remind yourself what you have to do.
It'll all be fine mate!
Cheers!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I've written down these goals and a couple more (Ask for time to think if I can't answer. Keep it light if possible, DON'T ARGUE, Keep the focus on HER, Keep the conversation in the present and future, meaning NO R TALK)
Definitely spend more time listening & validating, than responding! Just my opinion, but I would wait a bit after your conference call before you respond or call. This way it doesn't seem like you are dropping straight off your work call & getting back to her immediately.
Remember the fine art of "I'm not sure HOW I feel about that; I'll get back to you" and L "I'm afraid it's not that easy anymore," and "it sounds like we both have some decisions to make." Vague, value-neutral, yet STRONG.
What I'm about to write should shock no one: I totally overreacted to tonight's call.
She ended up chatting about mundane stuff... A situation with her and her sister, her job search, and the pending divorce of her best friend...
I WAS able to check off 100% of my "goals" for the conversation... Didn't interrupt, no R talk, no judgement, no reactions, no getting upset, no crying...
However, I couldn't bring myself to bring up the point of conversation I've been chatting about on these boards... but I had a couple drinks before I picked up her call... So I didn't feel like it would be the best time... plus I'm not sure i'm mentally ready to deal with that at the moment... but after tonight's call... I KNOW I need to get there.
I can't keep being "here" for her... to let her unload her heavy, deep personal problems on me while I sit here... knowing she's with OM, getting 50% of her "needs" met and calling me for the other 50%...
Maybe I'm stupid for not bringing it up tonight... And maybe I'm stupid for wanting to reach out to her best-friend (who's H has claimed he wants a D now) to help support her... I mean I love the girl too.. but I'm not sure reaching out to her is the best idea, except that I'd love to introduce her to the DB/DR community as I KNOW she doesn't want the D with her her H and I feel like I could help her... But...
Need to sleep this off... Too much whiskey will do this to a man...
Remember the fine art of "I'm not sure HOW I feel about that; I'll get back to you" and L "I'm afraid it's not that easy anymore," and "it sounds like we both have some decisions to make." Vague, value-neutral, yet STRONG.
I love these. I'll be sure to add them to my repertoire. Thanks Starsky!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Well, I'm glad it went well mate and that it wasn't what you expected. That'll teach us all a lesson, for sure. We got to stop imagining the worst and just deal with (real) things as they occur.
Have a good night mate, sleep well. I'm sure you need it.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Well as I alluded to in my last, whiskey soaked post, last night's call was not at all what I feared it would be... and I must say I'm 95% proud of myself for how I handled the entirety of the call.
Because of my inebriated state, I'm glad I didn't try to get into "the talk" last night, and now, sitting in the wake of yet another pleasant conversation, I can begin to focus on an action plan.
I don't think going into much more detail than I did above will do much good here, as I hit all the major points there. But I do want to mention that as the conversation started to die down and I began getting off the phone, I heard her start to cry and get generally quite upset. Normally, this sends me right into "What's Wrong. How can I help." mode and before I know it, I'm prying information out of her like I'm pulling teeth...
This time though, I simply stated "It was nice talking to you W. Everything okay?" knowing she'd reply "I'll always be okay" as she always does the first time I ask. She did, and I left it at that, telling her goodnight.
I woke up this morning to another email from W, with another song attached, telling me that in the midst of her "negative ranting" last night, she'd forgot to tell me she was going to see this band and that she's sure that she'd have a ton of emotions going on in her brain and her heart... but she knows she'll "be okay. Always have been, always will be". She ended with "take this as you will, and interpret the he/she lyrics as you see fit". The song is called "Breakeven" by the Script.
Might start a new thread to play the interpretation game, just for fun.
I haven't responded to the email, and I'm not sure I will. There are just too many ways to interpret the song, ranging wildly from hopeful to destructive... And I'm not dying to go down that road via email with her... I wonder if I should wait and respond that there are too many ways to interpret the song...
Well as I alluded to in my last, whiskey soaked post, last night's call was not at all what I feared it would be...
OK, so let me get this straight, Alk. You had a premonition yesterday afternoon that your wife may want to have an important conversation with you last night . . . she in fact confirmed late-afternoon that she did, in fact want to talk to you . . . And you prepared for this talk by getting drunk?
NOT advisable. Look, I'm no prude, and I love good wine myself, but when I'm in a war for my family, and I know a battle may be coming tonite, I AIN'T drinkin'!!!!
If you feel the need to escape your problems for a night, I strongly advise you leave your phone with a trusted confidant.
