I had no idea whether we would make it to 'the other side'. However, I can give a recap of my sitch in hindsight that might help someone here who is hanging onto hope - in what appears to feel like a hopeless situation.
First of all, reading DB was a total godsend. It was a true roadmap and I get what she is saying (now). Without it, I would have made all the wrong moves. So, it laid a very sensible foundation down in a highly emotional and senseless time. I referred to it time and again, and I also bought some of the other MWD books to help give me further ideas about about my own behaviour modification.
This forum has also been extremely supportive and helped me to understand the techniques. Reading through everyone's sitch's helped me not to feel so isolated and alone. It was also great to hear about the techniques being put into practice.
On an individual level, deep down I had a feeling it just wasn't over. I've had break ups in relationships before, and this break up didn't feel the same (deep down). This is a tough one to sift through because you don't know if it's wishful thinking or if it's true. Whatever the case may be, I didn't feel it to be 'the end' and I held onto that (as much as was possible).
That was really tough at times because he kept repeating, at the beginning of the S, that he didn't want to lead me on and that he never indicated in any way that we were together or would get back together. He would also repeat that when he was done, he was done and that was that. That was really hard to hear and bear not just because it really sounded like the end of a M, but also because it made me continuously question whether I was deluding myself, in denial and whether I should just get on with my life alone.
When I would go in that single life direction, it felt AWFUL. Not wanting to feel that way, I carried on believing my deep down feelings - that it wasn't over. In fact, right at the beginning of this process, I had a strong intuition as well, and always remembering that intuition helped to reinforce me working for my M.
That's what really kept me persevering (as much as I wanted to give up at times), but at the same time it's like I was competing with this desire to protect my emotions/welfare just in case it didn't work out. So, that is where the true battle was taking place. Maybe that is ego vs soul? Doubt vs. belief/intuition.
I think the most difficult aspect was sifting through the barrage of emotions, seeing clearly, and not letting all the emotions get the best of me. It was a deep lesson in self understanding.
Another factor was the sex. Right from the beginning of our December 2011 S, our therapist suggested to my H that if he was serious about ending the M, to cut off all intimate relations with me. I was incensed by that suggestion, and actually cut her out of my life entirely. Taught me serious lessons about therapists. I managed to restore that aspect 5 months later.
Our sex life was pretty healthy throughout - the usual ups and downs but pretty healthy. This was another reason I knew that it couldn't possibly be over. When previous R's ended, I wouldn't touch an ex with a barge pole - but that's me. Others might be different in this area. In my mind, if I am revolted by someone sexually or in no way can imagine having sex with my partner, there is no way in hell a R will ever recover. Of course, it does help that the partner is taking care of themselves, making an effort to be attractive and all that, but when it's not there anymore, the R is over.
Let me say this - men - toes and feet are VERY important. My H has always kept his feet good looking and I appreciate that. The summer is just about over and I've seen WAY too many unkempt men's feet. So, clean and cut the toenails, shape them, moisturise your feet, get rid of dead skin. Add to that that there are too many men I've seen with nose hairs growing too long and eyebrows completely out of control. There are small scissors that exist for a reason. Maybe it's a summer thing, I don't know. Also, wear things that flatter you.
Likewise with the women - keep yourselves attractive by working with what you have and making the most of it. No cosmetic surgery is necessary. Love and accept yourselves for who you are and work it.
Anyway, I always made sure I was looking my best - even as I was trying to lose weight, I still worked with that I had and made the most of it. Hair, make-up, nails, feet - very important. It is noticed, even if nothing is said and no compliments come your way from your H, keep it up. My H was not complimenting me during the S at all, but it doesn't mean they don't notice.
It all does take time and effort, and can easily be seen as part of your GALing program. It's a personal investment in yourself, and if you don't invest in yourself, why should your S?
That would be my personal 2x4 for anyone not taking care of themselves.
ANYWAY!
Having spoken to my H, he also said that despite all the damage and feelings of hopelessness he felt in regards to our R, that he still felt a pull to keep going with the R, deep down, that he didn't know why but anyway...something he couldn't just ignore.
I did my 180's in my behaviour over the course of the S - which actually started back in August 2010 (our first S). Lots of change and soul searching for both of us since then, lots of back and forth and finding our feet. But when he said he was 'done' on December 31, 2011, I was still in total shock. It's been 8 months of working hard at changing my attitude, changing my communication, developing my appreciation, and eventually realising that authenticity is where it's at. I had tried being ever so nice (the Stepford Wife Syndrome) during our first reconciliation, and saw that it was a dead end and totally unsustainable in the long run. My H also commented on how fake I was and was not attracted to that.
Success comes in being who you are, taking responsibility for your own choices and decisions in every detail, being independent, letting go of the past, being forgiving and accepting and still holding one's boundaries in a non-confrontational manner.
There is a TON of growth here for everyone in these sitch's, and growth is painful.
To succeed this time, I realise I need to see this second chance as a new R, and appreciate MYSELF as well as my H as much as possible. I've learned loads. No doubt, there is still loads more to learn.
Ok, I'm off to piecing but will keep an eye on this portion of the forum.
Thank you everyone, and I wish you well too on your learning journey.
