i started to cry when i read what happened last night -
but i was smiling too - really smiling
you were amazing - just amazing and i'm sitting here shaking my head thinking WOW - ces was beautiful in the way he handled it all.
and i was crying because i was so grateful that you finally got something from your wife that you have waited so long to hear.
“After a while I realized this (home) is where I’m suppose to be” “It was awful of me to leave like that and to put the kids through that” “It was awful of me to make the kids wonder if their mom was coming back or not”
she HAS to come to this on her own - completely on her own. and even though, very sadly the kids and you and her had to go through that awful scene - it had to happen for her to get there.
i'm glad you didn't stay home to help her this morning - a little help is just fine - like last night - but too much allows her to go back to the old ways.
did you read the stuff that KD said on my thread about leading - make sure you give her lots of compliments for staying through today and validating her effort. drawing out her best effort is your job now.
she's lost her confidence as a mom and it's probably tangled up with her facing what this separation did to the kids. she's just getting into that process and only after that can she possibly deal with what the separation did to you.... one step at a time.
but you can encourage her to be more confident in her dealings w/ the kids by immediately validating her efforts and focusing only on the positives when they happen. sort of like give the dog a treat every time they do something well when you're training them
not to imply that you are training her, haha - but more that if you highlight what she does right - then she feels encouraged to keep going that direction. for e.g.. w, i know you were in a lot of pain last night, in spite of that you were so brave and courageous to not only come home so soon, but then to go reassure the kids - i'm amazed that you had that courage.
the way i think it works is that you are planting the seed of her seeing herself in that light and it sets off the process within her to reach for that herself.
i hope this experience and how you handled it gave you a bucket ul of extra self-confidence about the process you are going through, ces - because you did handle it very well.
real growth can only come through pain, and this is the pain your wife has to go through. maybe sitting down and talking to your kids and explaining how much love and support their mother needs through this, could help them see her in a different light, and possibly they could readjust their behavior towards her. not saying that you should tell them not to express their real feelings, because they have much hurt inside them - but maybe for you to validate their anger and hurt and suggest that they could express that rather than "attitude" and that it was okay for them to do that...
i think the WAS's have so much guilt and feel so utterly shitty about what they have done, that they are convinced that no one could possibly love them completely ever again. just like we had to learn to love ourselves - through this process, they are just beginning to start to do that - and they are lost while they attempt that.
i hope things keep going this well for you and your family ces - and we are all here, cheering success for all of you
much love
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
