My wife had a tough childhood, with an abusive Mom at home, and being made an outcast in school. Because of her childhood situation she has always been very shy and reserved, preferring to avoid most social interaction. We met young, 16 her and 18 me, dated exclusively for 4 years, and now have been married for 29. We never had kids and always got along well. When her Mom died last December, she began to analyze her entire life, then gave me the ILYBINILWY speech in March this year. She now has decided that she needs to leave our marriage to find out who she is, and find the passion she doesn't feel for me with somebody new. Up until this point, I thought we had a great relationship and a lifelong commitment to each other.

She says we were too young and married for the wrong reasons, (she just wanted out of her dysfunctional home) and is convinced she never was truly happy. She has given me several reasons why I never measured up, and how I can never change. Most of all though, she believes she never felt any sexual attraction for me, and never will. My perception is we had a hot first 3 years, and then she cooled off quite a bit. After fighting over our mismatched sex drives for a brief period many years ago, we reached a balance where we both were satisfied for years. Until now that is. Now she wants more passion, but not with me! She considers us like brother and sister, or "really good friends". I need her to be my lover.

We still live in the same home but now sleep in separate bedrooms per her request, and she has cut off almost all physical contact. We still get along good, but there is often tension between us due to the mismatch of our desires for our future. There doesn't appear to be another man in her life at this point, but "To find real passion at least once in my life" is a stated goal. Ugh.

Immediately after the bomb drop in March, I started working on myself and our relationship with [*edited by dbmod, specific references not recommended nor allowed], Divorce Remedy, I Love you but I'm not in love with you (Andrew Marshall) and a few other books. Following the advice given has helped. Not pressuring or pursuing her caused her to relax her rush to make a hasty exit, and we still get along well day to day. I'm (mostly) being pleasant and positive as I work on building up our already decent connection. Even so, after 5 months of this I'm beginning to feel discouraged by our lack of progress, as she still sees no hope for us to ever be lovers and barely lets me touch her. I'm working feverishly and it's starting to wear me down.

I feel like I can't go on like this for much longer, which is why I am posting here looking for support to help me stay on course or try something new. I feel I may soon blow up and throw down an ultimatum, and I doubt that will help me reach my goal to build a passionate sexual relationship with my life partner. Please help!

Last edited by dbmod; 08/28/12 12:38 AM.
M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl