We have threatened eachj other with divorce before. My husband is the happy go lucky type, doesn't care about any thing. I am a serial pessimist (I tend to think of it as a realist always prepared for the worst) and we both can not stand that about the other. Unfortunately neither of us have learned to tone it down with the other.
Our biggest issue is trust (huge) and communication (I think a lot of relationships have this issue at first.) trust issues stem from him lying and not telling me things, mainly financial. I also found him chit chatting with an old FWB female, and even though she is about to be married and has a kid, he offered to meet her for coffee. I snooped through his email (trust issue) and found out. He has also not told me about the time he went and played golf with a female, even though it was a friend from college. He has told me that guys only hang out with girls to get in their pants, and they can't be friends. I took him literally on that.
This is also a huge issue because I am in the military (Guard) and away at training another three weeks. Iave been gone since before Memorial Day.
The other huge lying is about finances. He managed to hide about $98,000 of debt from me befre we were married. I didn't find out about it from him telling me. IRS took our tax refund and notices came in the mail for other debts. We didn't have that much when we were first married and now we do, but I still nag him about spends money and have not let out the leash even though we have caught up on his financial mess. He resents me for that.
Sunday (week ago) he took the 18 year old pet sitter to lunch and didn't tell me about it before hand. I absolutely flipped out. I then said forget this, we are done you can't stop lying, and sent his dad an email telling him I couldn't deal with this any more. Stupid I know but I was on an emotional rage to put it mildly. We split up money and assets on paper. I consulted an attorney as did he on Wednesday. That said, I had calmed down and nearly thought about this. I told him before marriage I didn't believe in divorce. I still don't. I asked him for one month of marriage counseling for one month. I didn't beg or plead, just said we are at rock bottom, why not try? He became mad and said no, forget that two weeks of twice a week so we aren't dragging this out more than it needs to be.
I said ok, what is is you want? He told me to end this and move on. I said he needed to do that if that was what he wanted. He then said 'well what I want is not always what is best.' I have no idea what that means. he has not filed.
My military friends tell me that this is normal for being apart, especially for being a female in the military. I don't know if I should believe them or not. He has insecurities with me hanging out with guys one on one etc. and now I see why (after taking the pet sitter not lunch.)
He keeps saying we just don't get along and keep making each other miserable. I can't stop nagging, he continues to lie instead of telling me aout things because I'd nag. He has been getting better with money and telling me anout stuff, but I was so distrusting i did not believe him.
After our last convo, I told him ok, I wouldn't call or anything to let him make up hiding. I have not unless important. I texted him info about finances and the dog went to the vet so he told me about her (all via text.)
The biggest thing I am having to fight right now are his friends, who he has told. They all support him divorcing of course. I don't know how I can compete with that.
I have ordered DB books off of amazon, and signed up for three phone coaching sessions (waiting on them to call me back to set up my first coaching session.)
Any thoughts? I will move back in to the house we live in when I am back but for now I am almost 2000 miles away
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it. Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.
Your H is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. Use it wisely.
I am already GAL and going out, it's easy because I am 1600 miles away. The issue is - it is with guys. Groups of guys yet but guys none the less. He hates that. I stopped telling him who I was with because it bothered him such. I feel horrible about it but it kept us from arguing and him from getting hurt about 'some other guy' having fun. There are two other females in school with me. Both are cheating on their spouses. I've one friend I have constantly been going to see on weekends 2 hours away but that is it. I go home in a little over two weeks and from there have formulated a plan to go out more.
He called me last night to talk finances. Without me probing, he opened up about his day and such. At the end I ended the conversation first and said I had to go. He said ok, and hurried in an 'I love you' without me saying it first. I reciprocated and hung up.
Today I found out my deployment was canceled. I told him I was happy for it and he said why. I explained a I have learned that thinking away from home isn't as much fun as it seems, and being a female in the military is extremely hard. I want a family and relationship, and being gone so much in such a short period of time wasn't going to help what I wanted.
I told him if he wanted to talk about it to call me today after poker and we could talk, but if not that I understand and that was ok as well. I have my first coaching session this evening before he calls. I hope at if nothing else it can provide some insight as to what I can do to improve myself and possibly insight as to his actions as I am confused as hell.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
Yesterday I was able to get a telephone coaching session in. Man, what a relief. She essentially tole me my sitch is as good as it can be at the moment. H thanked me profusely for a gift I gave him after our huge fight (I had already bought it just wasn't planning n giving it to him yet) and because I apologized, and usually have a hard time doing so and admitting wrong doing, it was a huge step in the rig direction for both of us. He had called me Sunday to talk about financial stuff, we talked about that and then, on his own, he opened up about his day/weekend. At the end, without expecting it, as I was hanging up he said 'I love you' and I wasn't expecting it.
Yesterday we spoke later that evening right before I was headed to bed. It was a good talk. I told him I had a new counselor and told him, at the highest level, some of what we went over, then told him it was suggested we don't talk about our relationship as I have some things I need to work on before we can. Changed the subject and he started randomly talking about his weekend. I didn't ask about his plans for Labor Day, he didn't ask about mine but already knows what I'll probably do anyhow. We ended it on a high note and hung up. I will contact him here and there, but he isn't a huge talkers phone conversationalist so I don't plan on contacting him that much.
It is hope that, in time I can become a better person and fix what was going wrong with me. I had turned in to a person that I didn't like any more, so I am glad to have some help in that area now. I am gone from helmet 17 more days so I have some more time to work on myself before I go home. I am happy for that time. I actually think that I will continue coaching sessions for a while, as I haven't connected well with a counselor like I did with the DB coach on the first go rounds. Such a positive outlook and a stay together mentality versus a 'how can I help you move on' scenario. Love it and wish I had done this a long time ago.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
She recommended thinking about what I am doing and saying before I do or say it. Asking myself if it is going to help or hinder the relationship. That was my goal for the next week. Give him space, don't bring up anything at I don't think is safe, which includes our relationship.
I have a hard time not speaking my mind. That has hurt us a lot in our relationship. He is a super sensitive guy. I took that fr granted. Now, while I am still a serial pessimist, I can think about what I am about to say. Sure, maybe I still plan for the worst, but I don't say that and just focus on the positives of each situation. That is the hardest thing I have to learn not to do. Fortunately, I am maki huge strides. I get to practice on my friends while I am away from home and when I go back, will continue with the same.
I got tickets for one of my girl friends and I to go to a big football game for my alma mater. I had booked the hotel when the schedule came out, initially for my husband and I. Since I do not want to pressure him, I went ahead and asked her to go with me to GAL. It was expensive, but probably the only game I will attend this season so all in all I feel it was worth it.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
Went from having a great conversation to him not really wanting to talk. He replies to me when ask him about things (financial, I needed him to look for some stuff for me) but he stopped the I love you's. I stopped them as well per the DR book, but I will reply if he says it.
Is this a roller coaster of his emotions showing through, or is he detaching and moving on? I can't tell. I am home in two weeks. H says we can talk then, but I know bringing up our sitch just makes him draw in to himself even more. I hope it is a happier homecoming than I expect, so I will act as if once I am back. I think my return may be assign him out as well, because he is expecting the same behavior once I get home. I guess all I can do is show him that I am working on myself. I have already made plans to go out and do things etc. but it [censored]. I'd rather be doing these things with him.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
New goal: get him to initiate contact and start telling me he loves me again. I will give this some time after I get home. He can't see the progress I am making while I am here, so I will have to settle for patience.
My dad has been here before. He is telling me to do everything DB tells me to do! He says based on what I have told him, he thinks I just need to back off, don't pursue etc. do my own thing.
Tickets are coming FedEx tomorrow to the house, and I told H that I knew it was month end and he would probably be on the road with sales, but asked if he would go pick up my package at the local FedEx place so they wouldn't be sent back. He said sure, but to remind him because he knows he will forget.
I about choked. He always just tells me he will remember or 'ok. I will set a reminder in my phone.' he never tells me to remind hm. I don't know if I'm grasping at straws for stuff, but that seems like a little step in the right direction on his end?
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
Reminded H about FedEx package. Did not mention what it was just sent him a text that said 'Fedex reminder. It says it has been delivered but may be at the neighbors house.'
He replied instantly with 'Just pulled up, it is hanging on the door.' I replied with cool deal, thanks. He immiately replies 'do you need me to mail it to you?' I said no but thanks for asking. I think he wanted to ask what it was but refrained from doing so.
One of my hardest things to do is say thank you and apologize. I have been extremely diligent in saying thanks, not just to H but to every one. It is starting to become habit.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
We both post on the same message board (based on where we went to college, lots of alum.)
In order to go a little dark and keep him guessing, should I quit posting?
I told I'm I was back to using throwing account for every thing because the bank called yesterday to say someone tried to make a small charge on my credit card (he is an AU) and they immediately declined it since it was in person in anther state just a few minutes after I made a charge to it in the state where I currently reside, he said ok. I had just left him a voicemail, he said he was on the phone and would call back via text. I replied it wasn't important, that I left him a VM and he didn't have to call back. He said no, he would call.
He did and I told him the sitch, he went in to talking about the weather right after that. I asked how much rain we had been getting, and then ended the call as I was entering the gate to my friends subdivision. He seemed surprised I was ending th call.
Goal: NC with him over the long weekend. None. In two weeks I will be home. At that point I think I am going t have a lot more to go through and will be posting on here with longer posts and with them coming more often.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
