To Lovingly Detach

[Arsene]

Well, I feel a bit better today. Had a good session at the meditation class (which is turning out to be more helpful than the psychologist) and even though I hadn't seen or spoken to W since Saturday night when I dropped her off, she had to come today to take care of D8 while I was out at a private lesson I just started.

I know that it doesn't help to think about OM, but I just want to say how much it hurts every time she gets here with him or gets a lift from him to go somewhere. I know that it's with him because W arrives with her helmet from the main road. At least I'm thankful that she is considerate enough not to have him drop her off or pick her up in front of the house, within the housing complex. I'm not sure what I would do or how I would behave if I met him.

Anyway, I think W was embarrassed to meet me after last Saturday's "cake eating" (sorry 25 but I went through DR again and it does look like it - as I said before though, I did facilitate it) so she had told D8 she would get here a bit after I'd left but as it turned out i was late and actually met W as she was walking towards the house. I stopped to say hi, I was pleasant but brief and wished her a nice time with D8. She looked apprehensive as I got closer and stopped and relieved as I pleasantly talked to her. I think we both were a bit uncomfortable but it went well and I drove away.

When I got home, W was getting ready to go to some dinner to meet some people for work and as D8 wanted her to stay longer, she decided to stay and for us to have a "family dinner" here (her words). Dinner was pleasant (W served all three of us and washed the dishes) and as she got ready for her event, D8 and I played together, and she even asked me my opinion on what she was wearing.

At one point, D8 was away and W started to talk about not really feeling like going to the event but saying that she had to because the music business in the city was very competitive and many people, who she thought were friends, had already bad-mouthed her (she didn't get into details on this - not sure if it's about her affair or simply professional jealousy). She said it was important for her to be there to protect her name and make sure that others would not speak ill of her (this is very surprising to me as W had always been loved and respected by most in this city). She also talked about how she thought people were unreliable on a professional level and selfish on a personal level. She didn't seem to be very happy about many things in this city.

Of course I bit my tongue because some of these had been arguments I had used re: choosing where to go and live after she'd expressed her wish to separate. I had been trying to get her to go where we had originally planned to go, in the touristic area of the country (better schools and better work opportunities for both of us), but she kept pushing for this city (and now, with OM in the picture, I think I know why). So all I did is validate her feelings and listened to her talk without saying much myself.

W eventually left, as D8 and me were playing ball in the street and I felt a pang in my heart as I watched her walk towards the main road, knowing that she would soon put her arms around OM.

About an hour later, she texted me about some logistics for the upcoming move to my new house and in the light business-like convo, she cracked a few cute jokes and ended up wishing me a good night.

No matter what, I just needs to be patient and keep doing what works. I think what works is:

1. always being pleasant and calm;
2. being interested and validating when she talks;
3. not judging or criticizing her;
4. not making her feel guilty;
5. not trying to tell her what to do or manipulate her;
6. being upbeat and "seemingly" happy
7. being busy enough
8. being a better father than I have ever been (not that I was not an actively involved father but now I'm spending so much more time with D8 and we are developing our very own relationship)
9. Not trying to fix her or help her with her problems;

But is this enough to make her reconsider her affair with OM? I'm not sure. I need to know what he is for her. What he fulfills in her, and what he doesn't fulfill.

Does anyone know if it makes a difference whether someone gets involved with OP after the separation or if separation is a result of OP? I have a feeling that she left me for him. That while I was away, she contacted him, perhaps out of curiosity and they were able to pick up where they'd left off 2 years ago, when I put my foot down and told her it was a deal-breaker and that she had to severe all contact. She did then, I'm pretty sure since we lived in another country and she was very transparent with her FB and phone. And our relationship flourished for a year, to the point where she would actually thank me for sticking with her, and make plans for the future together. What happened in her mind between then and now? I wish I knew.

Sorry for this. I'm not getting myself down, just thinking out loud (so to speak).