No Plans, No Expectations, No Timeline, I'm Okay!

[vera be fierce]

Brit I think your friend was on to something there. Even rejection is part of the journey, right? (now to just get that in my own head )

[zig]

hi there brit - how are you?

thanks for all the love:)
(((((( )))))
zig

[Brit45]

thanks ya'll!!

I have nothing to report. I'm good. I'm home alone which is a preview for when S goes to university in a year I suppose and I'm okay. I'm happy that S is enjoying his time with his dad in the states. I'm happy that even though he was born while we were just high school sweethearts everything is okay. I even genuinely like S's step mum. So everything is good. I felt so happy and so at peace that I can be that way. I remember being so protective and controlling and to detach and give S the gift of non controlling mum is a very very good feeling!

[Brit45]

I feel as though my entire sitch I have been working through how I deal and interact with H. I've learned a few lessons about myself but it's mainly been in reaction to an ending of a relationship. I have become more confident. But now I'm starting to see that I need to work a lot more on how I interact in relationships in general. I looked up the Pia Mellody book Facing Love Addiciton and there was a website talking about it that included a chart on classic Addicts and Avoider behaviours and I was SHOCKED that was me, that was H, and it gave a bit about the patterns of each I think he has certainly moved on another another addict.
When it talks about how the Addict's behaviour it says "Sense of self and self esteem does not develop--love addict remains in dependent position. Ability to tolerate fear and discomfort must develop for growth to occur"

I think this is huge for me. Tolerate fear and discomfort. Also this really jumped out at me too "Recovery renews--more slowly this time--with more attention to self validation, non-sexual intimacy, and tolerating feelings of aloneness and emptiness." facing feelings of aloneness and emptiness.

Fear, discomfort, aloneness, and emptiness I think I had gotten quite fine with those when I wasn't dating. But once I started to date I realised that being vulnerable brought all these things up again. And being in that limbo of starting to open yourself up to a new person is uncomfortable.

I'm going to get that book and also the solo partner. Does anyone else have any suggestions?

[needgrace]

Thanks for sharing that Brit. I always love your insights. I have that book and feel like W and I were caught in the addict/avoider dance too. I love that quote about tolerating fear and discomfort. It is huge for me too.

I am working now on finding the balance between allowing myself to feel those feelings without getting stuck in them. I'm not sure how to know?

I feel like I have opened myself up so much to the beauty in life right now (I can't believe i am admitting this but i just about cried today just petting one of my dogs at how wonderful she is...is that just crazy?? ) that l feel like i need some sort of balance to all this feeling, i probably need to get out, laugh and have some fun. (i've been staying home with houdini this weekend after he got snipped and read an emotional emily giffin novel.)

i could use some jerk chicken and daiquiris!

[Brit45]

I know what you mean Grace I went through times of being very emotional I think it's growth. And it's a wonderful to appreciate the small things.

thank you for checking in with me.

tomorrow is the UK's version of Labor Day and I'm going a festival on my own. I've always wanted to go but was usually working or on vacation out of town. I have stopped myself from inviting anyone to go with me because I'd started to become someone who would do things on their own and I want to keep that up. It's good for growth. And I was so inspired by Zig enjoying the buskers fair on her own!

[zig]

hi brit - isn't it funny how fearful we are to do things on our own - and then when we just go do them the fear just drops away?

and then the next one comes to the surface...

so excited to hear you're going to the festival on your won - i hope you have a glorious time.

i just got out of the car , squared my shoulders, raised my head a bit and said let's get on with having fun!!!i think i'm beginning to see that if i can do the easier fun things on my own - then living and being on my own is becoming a little less scary

also wanted to say that this was huge for me also

Ability to tolerate fear and discomfort must develop for growth to occur"

if there is anything we are getting better at, it's this. i thought i was just becoming a little more immune, but now i see it;s more about our tolerance level growing

have a wonderful time tomorrow, sweet friend and come tell us about it after

definitely there for the daiquiris and jerk chicken. i've got a big fat chocolate cake!!

(((((((((( ))))))))))

[2chiquitos]

GOOD FOR YOU BRIT AND ZIG!!! If I didn't have two little ones grabbing at each leg I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to do things on my own. NO ONE ALLOWED! I went to the movies alone recently! LOOOOVED IT!! I sat wherever I wanted to sit. Bought myself some nachos and ice cream! Laughed out loud and mumbled (quietly) at parts.

BTW: I went to go see TED! Such a guy movie but it was funny. I wish I had had a couple drinks before. It woulda been HILARIOUS! LOL!

Take care and have a GREAT MONDAY!!!

[Brit45]

Hi vero! When I was younger I didn't feel confident doing things just me and my son. And even a now we haveI split up it ws strange at first and now we have a lot of fun!

I tried to get him to see Ted recently he kept saying uh, it's got a teddy bear. I kept trying to say it's from the people who made Family Guy you love them. but we went to Batman Dark Rising instead. I am going to make him see Ted. i heard it's hilarious althought a girl friend of mine said she cried a little bit!

Last night I watched Beauty and the Beast with my dog and enjoyed every bit of my little life alone.

You're so right Zig on the tolerance level. I think that's a great analogy we're never truly finished growing we just learn to be okay with a little bit more. It's like what I was saying about our S's to you and Grace at first an email or text is difficult, then a phone call, then seeing them, etc.

I think what really hit me about the love addiction is where it said you don't want to be alone so you line up other relationships before the current one is finished. I do that a lot. I say that I'm "dating" and because no one's made it exclusive then it's okay to date other people. But really I think I'm hedging my bets so if rejection occurs I have another one around. it's funny because I have a guy friend who is now in a relationship but before that he did the same thing. It all comes down to being okay in the fear of rejection and tolerating the discomfort of the unknown.

one thing I'm not doing that love addicts/co-dependants do is settling for less. Before if a guy didn't like me I'd all of sudden have to make him like me even if I wasn't too keen on him before. Now I'm thinking in terms of is Mr Strawberry (or anyone) giving me what I'm looking for and I have no problem with just saying no thanks instead of trying to force that to happen.

[Brit45]

I had to ring H about something today and after our very short convo he texted me about something. I kept it brief and said thank you. A bit later he texted me about something unrelated just friendly chit chat but it really made me angry. I don't know. He was talking about our hometown etc and then he says sorta wish I was there.

And I thought NO! you don't get to text me to reminisce when you're homesick. You made your bed go lie in it. I'm not going to be that soft place to land whilst you're telling me you're marrying someone else. So I replied and said "from what I saw on your FB page you'll be there soon enough. Don't wish your life away" Because I'd seen him reply to someone on one of his posts saying they were going in Feb.

I felt a little bit bad and said Sorry if that sounded like a lecture I'm just a little bit jealous that I'm not going back as soon. Then I told him about the possiblity of a promotion at work.

He said I'm wondering what I said on FB. So I reminded him and he said oh right. then he said good luck tomorrow that will be a nice change. I replied and said tell me about it I'm practically giddy.

You know at first I was upset about how I handled that but now I'm not.

I honestly feel like since I started DB'ing all I've done is let him cake eat. He's had this new relationship and at the same time the security of knowing I was always there.

I know that his GF is right now out of town at a music festival and he's texting me. Not because he even thought about me but because I called him first about something else and so he thought well I'm bored, I'm thinking about home, I'll text Brit I know she's around.

I think for the first time in this sitch i'm not willing to take whatever morsel he throws my way. At first I felt like I'd hurt him so bad that maybe I didn't deserve his friendship or his trust and now I'm not. He hurt me pretty bad too. And I'm okay deciding how close he is to me.