I think I see the picnic!

[zig]

hi vero - i was catching up on your sitch and this really stuck out for me:

I'm getting the feeling as if he is just holding back his plans because he's afraid of the consequences.

how do you think that this helps your sitch and helps improving your relationship with your h?

to hold something over him that you know causes him fear - that's a pretty big thing to hold over someone.

how do you think that he views you when you hold that over him?

i think i am bringing this up, because just last friday, when my h and i talked he admitted that he was really fearful that i would move (he indicated clearly that the way he saw it, if i moved, s would move with me and he would be away from his s)

i saw how incredibly hurtful and vulnerable that made him feel, and i said to him - h i would never do that to us - you never have to fear that from me.

then he told me that he had decided that if i ever moved that he would find a job and come move to the same place so that he would never be away from s. (he has an incredible job- his dream job here, which would be very hard to equal)

i was shocked. and i confessed to him that i had a deep fear that if i ever tried to move, he would fight me and take s away from me, and that i felt that he held me here because of that. he was shocked!!

so vero - think about what you really fear here. we can't use our children as leverage in this situation.

yes, it's true you don't have to have him there in the mornings if you don't want. that''s not the point i'm trying to make. it's more about how we hold things over each other. and if you know that this is a fear for him, and if you still hold on to it without reassuring him that he doesn't need to feel there are consequences, then he can relax and you both can come to an agreement about how things will work.

after i reassured h and validated his fear - i swear there has been a world of difference in our conversations about s

so you might want to explore this further for yourself and find out why you feel you have to take this stand.

in our sitches - one of the most important things we have to validate for our spouses is their really important role as parent to the children. that has been something that i have noticed time and again in many of the threads where reconciliation took place and how the WAS told the lbs how important that validation was for them during the separation

when you basically tell your h that if he continues to stay gone he has less access to the kids- you are telling him that you don't think his role as parent is important enough to keep intact and nurture above all else

hope i haven't been too harsh about what i said - but there is something here you need to explore for yourself about why you feel this way


as for fearing being lovable - how about a little visit over to the goals thread and we can work on developing self esteem and self love


you are more than lovable - and you need to start feeling that and knowing it - like yesterday!! we only feel that when we don't love ourselves enough. first we have to love ourselves deeply before we can expect anyone else to love us, right?


zig