Can Turtles climb?

[zig]

Thanks vera - i only had that insight, right there in that moment -not because I was clever, but for once, right in the heated moment I managed to stop and ask myself - what could h be feeling right now that is making him so defensive? From what I know of this man, and how he looks at the world, how could he be interpreting this exchange from where he is standing, not from where i am.

For once I was able to distance myself enough from what was going on to take a real look at it.

Thanks vero - your good luck worked - dinner was lovely - just h's grandparent, h s and me. his parents were out.

It was really relaxed - h was really relaxed and we had a lovely conversation and his grandmother was so happy i was there. We did something different in that all of us sat at the table and kept talking for the longest time - his grandparents didn't want to end it. There was a moment right in the beginning when we sat down when h made one of his rather stupid hurtful off hand remarks, meant as a goofy joke and to his grandma and you could clearly see she was really shocked and hurt and trying not to burst into tears.

I stayed out of it, but i could see that h saw. in the past i would have instantly said h how could you say that? let him mull on how he treats people - i sure as heck made him aware of it today.

so the conversation with s - was amazing - in my eyes. and my h was amazing!!

i came away with a wow feeling.

and KD - if you are reading this - thank you.

as i drove away all i could think of were your words to me a few days ago - about how a good leader draws the greatness out of other people. and how i know that i did that today with h - i drew out his ability to handle difficult situations - and i stood back a bit and let him handle it, and he did really really a great job.

i think we also gave s for the first time in a long time, if ever, a really solid message that he got - that we were both solidly there for him - together.

we sent him off to shower and h and i talked for a few minutes outside - i told him that at one point i really wasn't sure how to proceed and that when he stepped in and said what he did i was in awe. and how impressed i was at how he handled it. earlier this afternoon i had told him how i thought he was a really great father and that i had never doubted it

i could tell that he wanted to be pleased - but blew off a bit self-deprecatingly my validation.. but i am sure it meant a lot to him, because when we first started he signaled to me shall i start or you? and i said he should

a few minutes into it when s was really upset he asked if he could go to the restroom. while he was gone, h turned to me and said in a rather vulnerable way - did i do that alright?

personally, i was sitting there a bit worried, because he had started off quite aggressively, but i think it was nervousness and so i said - h you did great - i think we both get very nervous doing this and don't quite know how to go about it..

it seemed like after that, he really relaxed and focused only on s - and his voice was the most gentle i have ever heard - gentle but firm, which is how it should be

for the first time we let each other take turns talking, and each validated what the other said to s instead of how in the past we would often land up arguing about what the other said.

so i am really really pleased - this was like a dream come true and i learned so much from today. especially so much more insight on how wrongly i had gone about things all these years. about how much i played a role in h's ineffective parenting, and how i could change that in myself.


one funny little dynamic did play out. when h started to talk to s he started with - "zig and I.... " and i stopped him and said - h please refer to me as mama or your mother, not by my name. it sort of became a little joke through the whole discussion, where he'd say my name by accident, make a face and we'd all start laughing and then say mama. it actually made for a lot of lightness, for all three of us and we actually laughed in a really relaxed way together several times. come to think of it completely relaxed and for the first time since BD.

all i can say is that- tonight - the 3 of us were together in the most relaxed way - feeling the most close as a family in what was quite a difficult conversation with s and we were a unit. we actually handled it the most wisely that we ever have - and i don't think i ever felt so close to h in parenting as i did tonight- we were always on 2 sides of a 10 ft fence!!


I am truly grateful for today - and my heart is really warm. i'm actually really impressed with h - i had spoken to mil this evening and happened to mention that h and i had been on the phone for close to 3 hours. she told me that that info really shocked her. i asked why - she said that all morning h was having a nervous breakdown and completely freaking out because yesterday he had discovered that there were some really serious problems with the house and the foundation.

i was amazed - that man took the time to listen to me and work with me through a HUGE amount of stuff today - when he should have been working at the house. when i said that to mil she said -that was my thought too - that he chose to do that first. and the conversation was not exactly easy for him.

but more than that - after the day he had with all the stress of the house and what we worked through - he really was so present and competent this evening during our talk with s - that considering how he has been this past year - i was really impressed with how well he handled it all - more than impressed

best of all - i was able to walk away and come home feeling completely okay about leaving them there - not even the slightest twinge of going away and what that meant.

so yes, vera - i've had quite a weekend - including going out on my own to the busker festival going out with friend to 'get drunk" last night at what is actually h's favorite bar (her choice!!) which i know he's been to with ow, and it didn't even bother me one bit and getting my family together in a beautiful way. and hey - to top it off - reached a goal - that h would invite me over for dinner there!! filled my tank up pretty nice if i do say so myself

of course the goal came after i didn't care whether i reached it or not - funny how life works!!!

okay long again - oops!!

zig