WHG: And so we file...

[workinghardguy]

I thought some last night that I haven't posted much on what I'm doing Weekend was good. It was my weekend with my S so that's always good

I took him for lunch at a new restaurant that opened. I was a bit worried that he'd hate it, but he's fairly daring these days (for six) on food choices. It was a mongolian bbq style place and he LOVED it! Went back five times through the line It is now his new favorite place even before Chinese W was pretty surprised that S liked it when I dropped him of Monday morning and he was talking about it.

On Sunday we had a lay-led service at church and I led the service and did the "sermon". It was about the work I do and how to link social justice, housing, and land together. As Sunday School wasn't in session my S sat and watched. Afterward he told me that he really liked seeing dad up in front of everybody talking He thought it was cool that so many people actually listened to me

Afterward we stopped at the Food Co-op, got some healthy eats, and had an impromptu picnic atop one of the local bluffs.

It was one of those moments where I get torn... I wish we could have done that as a family, but when we were all together we never had the money to do that. Now we're apart and I do have the money. It's a Catch-22.

One other comment from last night's school event... it was a hard weekend even though it was fun. For some reason the whole sitch was really weighing on me a lot this past week. I think it's because, yet again, this weekend was another "event" that was part of the whole drama period last year where things started to really unwind. So knowing that W was up there with her guy-friend-person was hard. It was in photos from this event last year that I first noticed she didn't have her ring on. Anyway, our son's teacher did her presentation last night. The teacher seemed fairly nervous and jittery. I chalked it up to the fact that she usually talks in front of six year olds, not adults. But my STBX immediately didn't like her and was negative about her. The teacher wasn't cheery or smiling enough for STBX's tastes. But then I thought back to last year... well, she didn't like that teacher either at that teacher was very smiley and chipper... but there my STBX went to school with her and the teacher was always on the cheerleading squad while my STBX never was. And it's that negativity that drives me nuts and creates the angst in me.

Lately I've only been able to remember the good times my W and I had. It makes it even more challenging to resolve and let go. But this was a stark reminder of what I'm not missing right now. I was able to go home and let her go home and stew in her own negativity.

[workinghardguy]

Well I signed the service docs the other day. And got my notice today for the "child in the middle" class that divorcing parents have to take. There's forty bucks I'll never get back. While the D [censored] at least I think we're doing okay on the co-parenting front, but perhaps it won't be a complete waste of time.

Though getting that in the mail today from the courthouse threw me pretty hard. Can't imagine how I'll feel when I actually get the D paperwork.

Ah well. All this is made worse by missing my S. STBX left with all the kids for vacation today so I won't see any of them until next week. Though I am happy that SS decided to come to our weekend thing for our youth group. Of course getting to fly across the state probably helped seal the deal for him

Because of life the 10 days without seeing S got cut down to 8 and I'm going to get him on Monday for dinner and school shopping so that cuts it to only five... better but still a bummer.

[workinghardguy]

Had a good weekend... glad I was gone and busy because as soon as I got home I realized how much I miss my little man! Anyway, had a good weekend. Spent the weekend in Oshkosh with my volunteer group getting my youth some time at the museum and up in aircraft. Chance to hang out with some adults as well which was fun.

SS came up for two of the three days. He had lots of fun which was good. W and I share some texts about him and how he "lights up" when he's doing stuff with my youth group.

SS drove home with me (3 hours one-way) and we hung out this afternoon until STBX got home. I got a little irritated when the 4pm pick-up became 7:30pm, but I just used it as a chance to go get some dinner with SS.

Dropped SS off and STBX and I chatted some. She thanked me for working so hard to get him up to the weekend, and then she thanked me for letting him be in and supporting him so much. And unlike other times she has thanked me for stuff, this time it felt 100% genuine versus manipulative.

Not thrilled that S and SD with STBX and her "guy friend" who I'd peg as a FWB... or something akin to that. He has kids the same age so they all hung out. Ostensibly it was because he lived close to the airport and SS had to be there early Sat morning. STBX keeps telling me he's a good friend, hard divorce, it's hard being alone all the time, etc... So yeah... I don't really like S sleeping over there... but nothing I can do about it either.

I did have to shake my head as I left... I had asked STBX if she was physically okay. She's looked thinner and thinner and has told me off-handedly that she has had a bunch of medical appointments. She said yes but that she's getting checked out because I'm not the only one saying that. Also that she's giving up smoking. This will be attempt... I lost count. I hope she does.. I hate that she smokes and hated it when we were together. But being around her when she quits is just super-fun-times. So... at least I get to miss that this time around

Pickup all the kids for a few hours tomorrow night. Going to do something... not sure what yet.. and go school shopping for S. Can't wait until Wednesday when I get all the kids for the day!

[sayitaintso]

Hey WHG- My w had my kids away on vacation all last week. It was the longest I've ever been without them and it totally suucked.

I stayed busy like you though and completley re-did their bedrooms. New loft bed, new furniture, etc.. They were so excited when I got home.

It still hurts when they are not with me for a stretch but that just reinforces how I want to appreciate the time when I do have them.

Best buddy!

[workinghardguy]

Feeling very mixed tonight. On the one hand quite down as the whole boyfriend/FWB thing was confirmed tonight. Not that I really didn't suspect it, but it's still hard to acknowledge I guess. I know it shouldn't be and I know it's silly, but emotions are what they are, right?

On the other hand I feel good because I confronted my STBX, set a boundary, and did a 180. Unfortunately that's what created the confirmation. Go figure.

And before someone takes me to task for "confronting her on her dating life"... today at work I stopped in at one of our field offices to meet with one of my staff. And guess who's standing there talking to my staff? Yes, her "guy". He's sells marketing for a radio station and was trying to sell my staff on his station. Furthermore he was trying to gain influence by dropping my STBX's name (and thus by extension trying in "inherit" my stamp of approval).

I actually didn't even recognize him and didn't realize who it was until after he had left. Once my staff said his name it all hit... and then I sort of came apart a little. For whatever reason seeing the guy who's sleeping with my STBX in the flesh hit me hard.

So tonight I asked STBX if we could talk. I simply told her that she is free to date whomever she wants, obviously. But that I didn't appreciate a) that guy showing up at my office uninvited and b) trying to use my name via a proxy to gain influence. That I have stayed out of her personal life and really her life and I'd appreciate it if she could keep her personal life out of my personal and professional life.

She apologized and said she didn't even realize he had gone and done that. She seemed genuinely embarrassed and sorry. She also said she'd been meaning to tell me for a month or two now about them dating but just hadn't found the right moment. So at least I guess she's still worried about hurting my feelings

So bummed that she's "moved on". Then again she did that a long time ago. And it's not over until they get hitched and who knows if that ever happens. But it drives ever stronger in my head the question of how long do I wait before going back out?

One last thing... a long time ago somebody on here said that people follow their patterns unless something forces a change. I scoffed and said STBX says she has a plan, needs to be independent, etc... Let me now say I was an idiot and whomever said that was 100% right. Get this...

STBX and I met four months after she left Husband #1. She found me though "she wasn't looking for anything". She filed for divorce from Husband #1 two months after we started dating. We moved in together six months after the divorce was final. I was the first guy she dated after leaving her husband.

Fast forward... STBX moved out in February. She started dating her guy in June (four months after moving out). She filed for divorce six weeks after starting to date him. He's the first guy she's gone out on a date with since separating from me. So... based on that timeline she should be moving in with him around February 2013. Now, will that happen? Probably not. He owns a house 30 miles away. Her moving there puts her 60 miles from her job instead of 30 and 70 miles from Husband #1 instead of 40. ANd she can't change her job employer for four years without a massive financial penalty... though she could potentially get a job in the city where he lives if one opens up... though that rarely happens.

Anyway, it's woulda, shoulda, coulda... I have no control so why fret.

So yeah... bummed that I've been replaced. Upset that she has no problem introducing a new guy into S, SS, SD lives even if it's not super-romantic/serious. But happy that I stood my ground and that I told her this bothered me instead of burying it (as I have done in the past) and letting it seep out over the next few weeks.

[reachingHigher]

WHG, read your last two posts and just wanted to say I'm sorry. That must have been really hard for you to realize this was the guy. Painful.

Sounds like you thought things through and weren't overly emotionally reactive.

I hadn't read your stuff before but just saw your post and wanted you to know somebody read it and cares.

I try to identify patterns in my H's life and it's scary sometimes!!!

Take care.

[labug]

WHG, so sorry, that has to hurt.

Brighter days ahead.

[needgrace]

WHG,

I am so sorry that you went through that yesterday. I thought you handled it so very well, what a contrast to the OM. ((((((( ))))))))

[2thepoint]

Hey WHG, it's been awhile. I just read your last few posts and it sounds like you are doing your best detaching possible under the circumstances. I'm glad to see your continued involvement n all of the kids lives. That is so important and it is not going unnoticed!

Good for you for stating your boundary regarding Ex's BF infringing on your personal and professional life. You gotta keep her honest and maintain your boundaries!

I totally understand your need to analyze the patterns in your WAW's behavior and relationships. Jut don't dwell on it. Keep your focus elsewhere and you will see your life opening up in new and meaningful ways!

Take care!

[workinghardguy]

Thanks Higher... had a good cry last night and a little better. I just feel like I've let my S down. He so wants us back together. And I know, in my head, that things can change it's just hard for some reason.

In some ways it was good that it happened. For several weeks now I've just gotten this hostile/aggressive vibe from my STBX. I couldn't figure out where it was coming from, though I didn't spend much time figuring it out either.

We were talking as she was heading to the store. After we were done she asked if I wanted to stay and see the kids while she ran quick. When she got back we talked some more and that aggressive/hostile thing was gone.

Looking back I see it now... this is exactly how things would be when were together. When she had something she was embarrassed to tell me or had to tell me something that she thought would disappoint me, she would get aggressive and hostile which would push me away. Typically this happened when she was supposedly not smoking but had taken it up again and didn't want to tell me. Or had to do with something she spent money on outside of our budget.

Once she would finally just admit it the tension would disappear and we'd get along better. Unfortunately I would let the hostility continue for weeks rather than confront her on it.

We ended up talking about the holidays, presents and so forth. A few months back we had talked about doing presents together (since otherwise when I see SS and SD on a holiday is pretty tough). I told her since she has a guy now I understand if that needs to change or not happen. She got this quirky look on her face and told me that her and the guy aren't "like that"... so for now I guess things remain as they were.