Awesome on all fronts CES. The MC session, the financial discussions, wife back in the bedroom, home-projects together (I loved doing this w/ my w), and potential trip to NYC.
Thanks all. The "office conversion" made great progress over the weekend. W and I spent a good bit of Saturday working together taping and painting. Final coat put on yesterday and it looks good. Now to sell the dining room table to pay for some office furniture!
Journal stuff: Although the weekend went well, it ended on a rough note. Some stress of money and kids who were not in the best of moods sent my W into a rare and unpleasant pattern. Went to the store last night to get a few things and when I came back, there was tension in the air. It seems W had been trying to get the kids to do some things and they were not listening very well. When I asked what happened, W said she was tired of having to get upset just to get the kids to do anything.
A few minutes later, our D10 came over with a bit of attitude and handed W some homework and W just lost it. She threw her yogurt and spoon she had into the sink, splattering it everywhere and stormed off to the bedroom.
This then upset the kids and our D was in tears because she’d upset her mom. I suggested that D go apologize for her attitude. W wouldn’t talk to her. So I tried to calm down our D and then went to talk to W who was sitting in our closet crying. She told me she couldn’t do it anymore, that she couldn’t be my wife and couldn’t be the kid’s mom. Then she said she had to get out of here and went to the car. I followed her and asked if she planned on coming back. She grunted yes and drove away.
So the kids are in the house crying because they're upset and confused about what is happeing. My son is holding his sister in his arms and they’re both crying. I assured them this was not about them and it would be OK. We stood in the kitchen with our arms around each other for a while. Then my S turns to me and says “dad, you know this isn’t your fault either, right?” I love that boy.
After a while I got D into the shower and ready for bed and S went on to bed as well. Both were emotionally exhausted. W came home less than an hour after she left. I was upstairs with the kids. When I came back down, she was standing in the dining room/office looking at the paint. She said that she liked the color and that it looked good in a soft and exhausted voice. I just stared at her and after a brief moment she just looked at me and said, “That was awful of me to do.” She was much calmer and said the following.
“After a while I realized this (home) is where I’m suppose to be” “It was awful of me to leave like that and to put the kids through that” “It was awful of me to make the kids wonder if their mom was coming back or not”
I listened and then just held her for a bit and she let me. She repeated some of the things and I simply told her that we all loved her and were glad she was home. At one point I did respond by saying it was a hard thing for the kids but that they would be glad she was home. I said both the kids wanted her to come talk to them when she got back. I offered to listen if she wanted to talk. Then she went to watch TV to unwind and later came to bed and was still next to me when I woke up this morning.
The odd thing is, I think this may actually help her to see there’s a better way than what she’s been doing. And I feel good about how I handled the situation and was there for the kids. I offered to stay home today so W wouldn’t be alone but she declined and said she’d be ok. I think it will be good for her to run through a normal routine with the kids this morning as well.
Again, this is not a normal thing for W. Something is building up in her and she's not handling it well. But last night seemed to wake something in her. Her statement of "this is where I'm suppose to be" was significant for me. Sometimes it takes hard things to propel us into better directions. Maybe this was one of those things. No expectations. Just hope.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
i started to cry when i read what happened last night -
but i was smiling too - really smiling
you were amazing - just amazing and i'm sitting here shaking my head thinking WOW - ces was beautiful in the way he handled it all.
and i was crying because i was so grateful that you finally got something from your wife that you have waited so long to hear.
“After a while I realized this (home) is where I’m suppose to be” “It was awful of me to leave like that and to put the kids through that” “It was awful of me to make the kids wonder if their mom was coming back or not”
she HAS to come to this on her own - completely on her own. and even though, very sadly the kids and you and her had to go through that awful scene - it had to happen for her to get there.
i'm glad you didn't stay home to help her this morning - a little help is just fine - like last night - but too much allows her to go back to the old ways.
did you read the stuff that KD said on my thread about leading - make sure you give her lots of compliments for staying through today and validating her effort. drawing out her best effort is your job now.
she's lost her confidence as a mom and it's probably tangled up with her facing what this separation did to the kids. she's just getting into that process and only after that can she possibly deal with what the separation did to you.... one step at a time.
but you can encourage her to be more confident in her dealings w/ the kids by immediately validating her efforts and focusing only on the positives when they happen. sort of like give the dog a treat every time they do something well when you're training them
not to imply that you are training her, haha - but more that if you highlight what she does right - then she feels encouraged to keep going that direction. for e.g.. w, i know you were in a lot of pain last night, in spite of that you were so brave and courageous to not only come home so soon, but then to go reassure the kids - i'm amazed that you had that courage.
the way i think it works is that you are planting the seed of her seeing herself in that light and it sets off the process within her to reach for that herself.
i hope this experience and how you handled it gave you a bucket ul of extra self-confidence about the process you are going through, ces - because you did handle it very well.
real growth can only come through pain, and this is the pain your wife has to go through. maybe sitting down and talking to your kids and explaining how much love and support their mother needs through this, could help them see her in a different light, and possibly they could readjust their behavior towards her. not saying that you should tell them not to express their real feelings, because they have much hurt inside them - but maybe for you to validate their anger and hurt and suggest that they could express that rather than "attitude" and that it was okay for them to do that...
i think the WAS's have so much guilt and feel so utterly shitty about what they have done, that they are convinced that no one could possibly love them completely ever again. just like we had to learn to love ourselves - through this process, they are just beginning to start to do that - and they are lost while they attempt that.
i hope things keep going this well for you and your family ces - and we are all here, cheering success for all of you
much love
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
the way i think it works is that you are planting the seed of her seeing herself in that light and it sets off the process within her to reach for that herself.
I think that seed is growing some now with small sprigs of green showing above the surface.
W has been quiet and a bit distant since the incident a few nights ago. Not unpleasant, but it seems her interactions feel a bit forced. I'd say she is trying to put on a better face for the kids and find a better routine, but its not easy for her.
Some journal stuff: The money topic is at a point that it cannot be ignored. Based upon unplanned spending, I will absolutely need her help in the near future to deal with some bills.
W finally got the paycheck she'd been waiting on. She was initially upset about me putting the funds in my account, but that's where the bills get paid from. As soon as the bank released the hold on the funds (standard bank procedure) I transferred it all but a small amount into her account. I needed to fill my car or it would have been all of it.
We had already discussed some needs for the money but in half a day, over half of the amount was spent by W or taken out of the bank as a cash withdrawal. I didn't say anything specific about it, but last night just restated some of the things we needed to take care of and how much we'd need to handle the items (very casual as in "here's what we need to take care of today"). W wouldn't look at me but stated she'd spent some on supplies she needed for tutoring and taken some cash out but could put the cash back in if needed.
Today after seeing more items clear that had not been discussed I called her and said we needed to go over the bills coming up because I realized that I would not have enough to cover everything and handle normal groceries as usual.
W agreed to go over things tonight and spoke about what paychecks she was still expecting. Then she also told me that her work with her friend (also the W of the former OM of the EA) would be coming to an end. She said it had felt "weird for a few weeks and that her friend had asked my W to send back a portion of the stuff she was working on. It seems they no longer have the money to pay W for her work. W said she kind of expected it and wasn't upset about it. She also said it was just a job and not really a fun career thing. I validated and told her she was capable of far more than what she was doing.
W also said there were a couple local jobs she woudl be applying to. One at the library and the other at a women's clothing store where she loves to shop. W's big concern is having to spend time away from the kids. We have been very fortunate to have my W at home since our first was born almost 14 years ago. It was a life preference for both of us. My W sees taking a job outside the home as not being the mom she wants to be. She made some comment about not being a very good mom.
At this point I told her that she was actually a very good mom and the kids really enjoyed her. I pointed out that even though the kids were at an age where they are pulling away a bit, they love being at the house and having their friends over to our place rather than going other places. I said she is a big reason for this because the kids like being around her and like the environment she creates that makes our home welcoming to their friends.
Then W thanked me for saying that and said she really needed to hear this right now (once in a blue moon I say the right thing at the right time...).
The conversation went on a bit about how W would enjoy either job. She has always loved children's literature and she is incredibly organized. She would do very well at a library. We also spoke about some other work options she's looking into and we agreed to go over the bills tonight after the kids are in bed.
I had to get off the phone for a meeting and she was on her way to volunteer up at D10's school. She txt me later about the holiday weekend and planning a family thing for Monday. I responded with maybe doing a day trip somewhere just to get out and about.
Oh and another comment W made about not working for her friend anymore. She said she was actually Ok with it and "at peace" about it and its may be good timing as things are different now. She mentioned how we are working on our M and how she really was not using her talents with the job she had with her friend.
I just had an odd memory... I can remember when W and I were first dating, I use to joke about being a good match because our walking strides were the same and we kept pace together very naturally. This was over 20 years ago. After typing through this it feels like after a long time of walking at different paces (and directions?) that our steps may starting to get back into sync just a bit.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Then W thanked me for saying that and said she really needed to hear this right now (once in a blue moon I say the right thing at the right time...).
Lucky for you CES, this month there just happens to be a blue moon.
I don't know if you have mentioned this or not but does it strike you as oddly coincidental that your W's job with OM/OW is drawing to a close right about the same time your W seems to be coming around in the M?
Anyway, I'm really happy that things seem to be on the mend in your R. I hope the good things keep coming your way.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
