I made the mistake of asking if H & OW were still planning to take a trip they planned for this upcoming w-e. And yes, they are. He says it will be weird, but they want to see where this R is headed and it's too late to cancel everything.
I feel so stupid - for everything! From not trying harder in our marriage, to leaving him, then to discussions of reconciliation, to asking him to give us and our M another chance, to the passion and actions that followed.
And I feel guilty - H & I had a VERY similar trip planned for last summer when I dropped the first bomb about wanting to separate. (He calls it the 2nd - but the first was really just an admission that I wasn't happy in the marriage - not actually leaving it). I don't want him to be *jinxed* for this trip! But I can't wish him well and tell him to have a good time.
I wish I had the strength to let him go! I once told him that it took all my strength to leave in January and that's why I didn't go to IC then - just couldn't talk about it yet. Wasn't thinking about anything other than today - tomorrow would come tomorrow! So I know he and I aren't in the same place for growth - but I just can't let go - yet!
Don't get me wrong, no doubts about what I want or what I will do to get it. I just can't be part of his problems anymore. He's confused and I get it.
I will continue my work on myself. It will make me stronger and more ready for what ever comes my way. I will learn from my mistakes and will do better next time. I hope he gets to see it and even benefit from it, but the work and results are for me. To be the best ME I can be! Someone will benefit - me, first and foremost, and my life partner - who ever that lucky guy might be!
Sent H another song that I relate to - I love music and some artists can say what I am thinking better than I ever could.
Now wishing I'd have sent 2. The one I sent was Adele's version of "Make you feel my love" and in hindsight I should've also sent Jason Mraz's "I won't give up!".
