hi dawnm- i'm reading your posts and i just wanted to weigh in and say i have no answers or rules- I just wanted to tell you i hear ya and i feel your pain. if i were there i'd give ya a hug and suggest we go have a glass of wine. (no- i don't drink much myself- but it's a pleasant associaton). anyway- i can just feel the unendurable jacked-up frustration you've got going on - i know the feeling of what the heck and then more what the heck. been there in the same bed with someone you just discovered the worst things in the world & felt the worst things in the world - that very day and was there laying next to them. godzilla -
i don't know- i don't know if these men are who we think they are- or not. i was wierdly beginning (but stopped it thank goodness) to think maybe my entire goodtimes and "life" with my h were my own darn optimism and imagination. i'd say lets not go to wacky land here.
oh brother- i guess it could get that way sometimes- the unreality and injustice of this stuff. someone told me somewhere in the beginning- that every single day- we only need to make it thru this day- and we can always leave tomorrow.
i like it- i tell myself it- and it's true actually. you and I have the strength that is ours from knowing that. my h i am pretty sure thinks i would never go anywhere- he is soooo sure of my love. it's a thing one could be sure of. i am sometimes unshakable in my love & faith- but then, i realize i'm dealing with a person who is not me. i forget to make allowances for the rest of the human race.
but i am not invisible - and i do not think i deserve unending torment. if the day comes - for me or you- when we feel ourselves slipping away under the torrent- we will not go under for them. well, i won't and i don't think you are inclined to either - that is strength & self preservation . .
i think i read in your notes your inner strength. admitting confusion adn pain and disgust(me) and desire to run sometimes - is not weakness. it's what is there and voicing it is facing it. . it's admitting what is in your face. (maybe it's fortifying yourself a bit with bravado- girls need it sometimes) i don't hear anger from you so much as pain. you are not obliged to embrace the injustice and abuse or whatever you want to call it. you only have to endure ( if you/we choose) . i have no desire to martyr myself in a hopeless cause - i'm just hoping hope is justified. who the heck can know? we're just people
that's all - - i don't know if i'm bitter and compassionless or what- i do know we all can only do our best. whatever that is- however exemplary or inadequate- it's all. my sister was determined to take her own path- all my caring and so on didn't make a dent. take stock of the inner you- what she's trying to do & the strength you're displaying and maybe a tiny bit of inner peace may creep in. oh yeah- you or someone said treat myself like i'd treat my best friend. you too ! i sure wish you lived down the block and could walk every night - a little group therapy there. Q good luck xxoo
