MLC with depression....double the fun!

[greatwhitenorth]

Just read on another thread that you hope I elaborate on the notion of *one false move* driving him away.

As AJ says, there is no list of things per se. It is the idea that when someone begins to feel safe we can destabilize them fairly easily. As 25mlc says, keep the road home paved and smooth and actions + time = change they can believe in. I have realized that my H has opened the door to himself a teeny tiny crack every two months or so. This is HUGE in our case. I want to bust it open and yank him through but I know it would be a mistake. This needs to be on his time line. Instead I listen and support when he comes to me. I have forgiven him and the past will never come up again. He may not open the door further, but it's ok because I'm focused on my life not him.

For example, If your H begins to open up and you express your frustration because its not fast enough or try to pull him out or try to push the door wider he could bolt. He may not be ready for the intensity and conviction that comes with such pressure. You need to be calm, supportive from a distance and have clear boundaries. You know this is a slow and difficult Process. AND if your H is depressed, as he appears, any healing will even more so have to happen in his time line, not yours. This is where patience and compassion come in. The depressed or MLC person needs to come to you.

You say you're not angry or hostile. I'll accept that as true, but unfortunately you come across to me and probably others, maybe your H that way. Might be something to look at...written and sPoken language, tone, etc.

On the other hand, if you're truly at the end of your rope and can't stand the sight of his "Einstein hair" I think you called it, is reconciliation really what you want?

On yet the other hand, if the issue is that you're not seeing actions you want from him, maybe you need to look at changing things up or examining your expectations. Or maybe next time he talks about coming home you sit with him and discuss calmly what that would look like. How do you want your new marriage with your H to be? How does he want it to be? What are the terms of reconciliation for you? For him? What are the deal breakers? Are there any common grounds there? What is negotiable and what is not?

Not sure if that makes sense. I would love to hear my H talk about coming home. I would love even the opportunity to discuss whether we could have a future together. It's very tough to outline the terms of reconciliation and how I'd want my marriage to be, but I need to do it in case that opportunity presents itself and because it will serve any of us well whether we reconcile or not.