Hey Starsky. I think that she was asking about why it is bad that WE bring up OP with our spouses... not about them having any contact with them.
I replied on her thread.
I am a bit curious as to what your opinion is though.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
The past 2 weeks have been tough. W started her teaching gig 2 weeks ago and SS began school this week. They have both been cranky and tired. I have done my best to be patient and to help them both out as much as possible.
W has given me a couple of unsolicited apologies for being irritable.
Yesterday, forwarded me an email from Family Life re their "A Weekend to Remember" marriage retreat. She asked me if I would want to go in November. I told her that I definitely would like to go.
That's it. Everything else status quo.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver- thanks for the reply on my thread. It's great for me to have others to toss thoughts around with who have been through the same. When you have time - pop over to my thread. Thanks.
I highly recommend "A weekend to remember" My H and I went last March and it was amazing. It was intense for us but gave us the opportunity to talk about the hard stuff. THere are assignments you do together. It really was great. Interesting that you mentioned it- I just went on line yesterday to see when they are doing them again. I would like to make it a yearly event for us.
Denver- thanks for the reply on my thread. It's great for me to have others to toss thoughts around with who have been through the same. When you have time - pop over to my thread. Thanks.
I highly recommend "A weekend to remember" My H and I went last March and it was amazing. It was intense for us but gave us the opportunity to talk about the hard stuff. THere are assignments you do together. It really was great. Interesting that you mentioned it- I just went on line yesterday to see when they are doing them again. I would like to make it a yearly event for us.
Thanks Fig! Sent her flowers today for no reason other than I know that she had a tough couple of weeks. Something that I would never have done in the past.
LJGH - W and I actually did the Weekend to Remember back in March when she was trying to 'forgive' me and work towards being able to commit to R. It was her idea. She thought it might help her get to a place where she could decide whether or not she could try to reconcile.
It was great. It was awkward at the time though because we weren't really committed to our M. Well, I was, but she wasn't. She did the assignments and did try though. She had a tough time with the love letter and the intimacy portion for sure. We shared a hotel room, but slept in separate beds. What happened after the conference and now, well, is history. The conference is something that she and I have also talked about doing on an annual basis.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Good friend of mine has decided to divorce his W. He began to date a girl whom he works with. She is also M'd and has decided to leave her H, who happens to work FOR my friend (and obviously in the same company as his W).
Friend and girl both moved out of their homes shortly after they started dating each other.
So I invited my friend to join a 'couples' fantasy football league.
When my W found out that I had invited my friend and his new gf to join, she was upset.
She sent me this email:
"I really don't feel comfortable having them over. It seems a little soon to be acting like they're a "couple" considering they've only been cheating on their spouses up until what...a week or so ago when they both finally had the courage to move out? I'm sure you think it's fine and are in support of their behavior, but I'm not. So if you already invited them, fine. But I'm not going to be a part of their charades and if some crazy ex shows up at my house, ..."
This upset me because obviously I do NOT support what my friend is doing because he is still M'd.
It also upset me bc W pointed out that they were cheating ONLY up and until they moved out of their homes. This is apparently the line that she has drawn for her moral compass as to what is and what isn't cheating.
As I've stated many, many times, I am wishy washy about whether it's an A if there is a physical S, it still pissed me off.
I responded to my W with the following email:
"Friend knows that I don't support it whether or not they've moved out. However, he is my friend, so I felt that I needed to include him...".
I think that W got the point that her email had hit a chord with me because she quickly called me after getting the email. I did not act upset with her. We didn't talk about the emails or the subject matter in the telephone conversation. I think that she just wanted to make sure that we were still 'cool' and not arguing.
Anyway, my moral dilemma is really about my friend. I don't support him dating even though he is physically S'd. I've told him this in the past, prior to him actually dating the girl. However, things have gotten SO bad between he and his W that I honestly don't see any way that they could reconcile. And that is coming from someone who has read about hundreds of such situations here on this board. I've known his W for over 12 years and she really is an awful person. So, I kind of do support him in divorcing her. I hate to say that, but I do.
The dating thing, while wrong, is helping him have the strength to actually leave and divorce his W.
Lately, all I've told him is that he should file for D quickly.
Lastly, I need to say that I tried really, really hard to use the principles here on DB to help him fix his M. I did this for most of 2011 when they were beginning to have their problems.
So my obvious dilemma is that I have to support a very good friend while he is doing the same thing that my W did.
Opinions?
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Personally, I do not support a friend dating OP while M and I also don't support a friend dating while M with a M OP.
That said, I would support my friend, but I would not support the A.
When ever I've come across this (which thankfully isn't often), I make my point and simply recommend the friend break of the R until both are not M, and otherwise continue to hang with friend outside of any A they might have...
I don't envy your position.
One question, though.
Do you want to support your W... or do you want to support your friend and his A?
there was a very important point that was made that got skimmed over....
it was pointed out to you
(I don't know how to copy and paste and give credit...sorry)
but
do you support your wife or do you support your friend and the affair
I know what my answer would be
hey buddy...I get that your married s*cks balls but the fact that you are having an affair (beings as you are still married) with a co-worker who is still married (even though you both are separated) and this person would be your partner at this couples dealio....I have to say...it bothers both myself and my wife and I have to ask you this year, to not be a part of it. Our marriage went through a rough time too and this situation just brings up too many rough emotions while we are still recovering
