25 - thk you for your validation. It means the world that you think I am headed in the right direction. I am thrilled that you posted to my thread. I can never be reminded enough to have faith.
The thing that has been coming up for me today has been the topic of anger and how to deal with it. My H and I never really spoke honestly to each other about our feelings; we both keep our resentments buried inside.
We never had the conversation that I had with my other boyfriends where with both cried and talked about why our parents/bother/sister/grandma whoever did us wrong. We didnt want to dwell in the past or whine.
If H did something that pi$$ed me off, I would act passive aggressively annoyed rather than have a conversation about it. My H only on rare occasions told me he was annoyed by me. On those rare occasions I would tell him to quit whinning about something so insignificant. I never listened to his feelings when he did open up and I never shared my feelings or concerns in any constructive way.
That is why its important for me to write out why I am angry with my H in a non rant. Its important for me to validate my feelings and not berate myself into thinking having feelings is wrong. And convince myself that I have no reason to be angry.
Its okay for me to be angry but I need to work through that anger and move forward celebrating all that I have to be grateful for.
I am mad at my H because:
1. He never expressed his unhappiness and never gave me a chance to change. Because we are married he committed to me to have a more honest and upfront conversation about his feelings then for me to read between the lines and sense his unhappiness even as he was telling me he loved me.
2. He is choosing not to give his daughters the best life possible, a home with 2 parents. It saddens me so greatly that my children will not be able to jump in a bed shared by their mommy and daddy.
When I think about how he is choosing not to give his kids everything they deserve it hurts inside. It hurts that he truly believes that I am so awful that he would rather only see his kids half the time then to even attempt to work things out with me.
3.He blames this split 100% on me. He takes no responsiblity in his actions. He doesnt admit to having a emotional affair with OW. I may never know if it became physical but I do know he cried on her couch several nights. I feel like he blamed me for being a b!tch but the truth is he just wanted to get it on with another chick and cant even admit to himself thats what he was doing.
wow! it feels good to write this out. Sorry if I sound whinny. I have a fear of being a whiner but then I hold on to things so tight until I explode into a rage. It feels good to write about this stuff when I am not flying off the handle.
Doing my best to stay busy this weekend without my girls but most importantly go easy on myself.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
