ps... I have been listing my, interestes, possibilities, in bootcamp. I am working on me, as foreign as that still feels to say. I too need time, and understanding also...I don't get that from H. that's why I ask what is he coming home to.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
without discussing his intention with me it leaves him an out, there is no real commitment made, no road paved to stay on track.
Tonight he's already telling me he has a good family...so he should have gotten what"s owed him in life, he's opportunities have been taken away, and, don't expect him to be anything like he was.
Well right from the horses mouth I'm getting an unhealthy, unrealistic, spew of how "my" life is going to be with him in it, "what you see is what you get".
Also, he just said he's surprised how I seem to handle his anger (though he says he's not giving me the bulk of it).
This is a form of control-he can't control anything in his life, but home is his for the taking. Isn't that a form of manipulation?
Arrogance showed it's head also tonight, I'm to tired to explain how, don't really GOS because I am smarter now.
Regardless of what he's doing, I'm going to do me...move ahead and try to get my mind and body out of his way. I'm not as fooled or gullible as before, not as needy, not even shedding a tear.
I told him he knows we're I live if he want's to come to me....he laughed because were in the same house, not same life, world, universe.
He can call it whatever he want's, but I will have the say as to who I will be in a r with, and where I am going in my life, on my terms in the end. There's room for him, I'll continue to be kinds and understanding, maybe one day he'll come to me with a real attempt that suits both our needs.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Dawnmarie, can I say that after reading your posts, that perhaps the anger is creeping into you?
There are no wrong moves per se. Your H needs professional help. I'm sure that has come up. He is punishing himself and the self-loathing is evident.
Enough about him.
What about you? I suggest the single most important thing you can do is to ensure that you find a way to re-charge yourself. I don't see in this where you are doing that and I can tell you from experience that the pressure is incredible.
If you add to that feeling like you could do the "wrong" thing that would save or break your relationship, then you're a pressure cooker.
You won't have a single move that would cause him to snap out of it or to run away. Even if he says "aha! that's why" I'm leaving.
Have you visited sites for depression like this looking for support? I think you should.
It just sounds like he has both depression (life-long) and MLC at the same time. That's rough.
Find a way to recharge. Find support for the depression side of things as well.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Just read on another thread that you hope I elaborate on the notion of *one false move* driving him away.
As AJ says, there is no list of things per se. It is the idea of when someone begins to feel safe we can destabilize them fairly easily. As 25mlc says, keep the road home
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Just read on another thread that you hope I elaborate on the notion of *one false move* driving him away.
As AJ says, there is no list of things per se. It is the idea that when someone begins to feel safe we can destabilize them fairly easily. As 25mlc says, keep the road home paved and smooth and actions + time = change they can believe in. I have realized that my H has opened the door to himself a teeny tiny crack every two months or so. This is HUGE in our case. I want to bust it open and yank him through but I know it would be a mistake. This needs to be on his time line. Instead I listen and support when he comes to me. I have forgiven him and the past will never come up again. He may not open the door further, but it's ok because I'm focused on my life not him.
For example, If your H begins to open up and you express your frustration because its not fast enough or try to pull him out or try to push the door wider he could bolt. He may not be ready for the intensity and conviction that comes with such pressure. You need to be calm, supportive from a distance and have clear boundaries. You know this is a slow and difficult Process. AND if your H is depressed, as he appears, any healing will even more so have to happen in his time line, not yours. This is where patience and compassion come in. The depressed or MLC person needs to come to you.
You say you're not angry or hostile. I'll accept that as true, but unfortunately you come across to me and probably others, maybe your H that way. Might be something to look at...written and sPoken language, tone, etc.
On the other hand, if you're truly at the end of your rope and can't stand the sight of his "Einstein hair" I think you called it, is reconciliation really what you want?
On yet the other hand, if the issue is that you're not seeing actions you want from him, maybe you need to look at changing things up or examining your expectations. Or maybe next time he talks about coming home you sit with him and discuss calmly what that would look like. How do you want your new marriage with your H to be? How does he want it to be? What are the terms of reconciliation for you? For him? What are the deal breakers? Are there any common grounds there? What is negotiable and what is not?
Not sure if that makes sense. I would love to hear my H talk about coming home. I would love even the opportunity to discuss whether we could have a future together. It's very tough to outline the terms of reconciliation and how I'd want my marriage to be, but I need to do it in case that opportunity presents itself and because it will serve any of us well whether we reconcile or not.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
hi dawnm- i'm reading your posts and i just wanted to weigh in and say i have no answers or rules- I just wanted to tell you i hear ya and i feel your pain. if i were there i'd give ya a hug and suggest we go have a glass of wine. (no- i don't drink much myself- but it's a pleasant associaton). anyway- i can just feel the unendurable jacked-up frustration you've got going on - i know the feeling of what the heck and then more what the heck. been there in the same bed with someone you just discovered the worst things in the world & felt the worst things in the world - that very day and was there laying next to them. godzilla -
i don't know- i don't know if these men are who we think they are- or not. i was wierdly beginning (but stopped it thank goodness) to think maybe my entire goodtimes and "life" with my h were my own darn optimism and imagination. i'd say lets not go to wacky land here.
oh brother- i guess it could get that way sometimes- the unreality and injustice of this stuff. someone told me somewhere in the beginning- that every single day- we only need to make it thru this day- and we can always leave tomorrow.
i like it- i tell myself it- and it's true actually. you and I have the strength that is ours from knowing that. my h i am pretty sure thinks i would never go anywhere- he is soooo sure of my love. it's a thing one could be sure of. i am sometimes unshakable in my love & faith- but then, i realize i'm dealing with a person who is not me. i forget to make allowances for the rest of the human race.
but i am not invisible - and i do not think i deserve unending torment. if the day comes - for me or you- when we feel ourselves slipping away under the torrent- we will not go under for them. well, i won't and i don't think you are inclined to either - that is strength & self preservation . .
i think i read in your notes your inner strength. admitting confusion adn pain and disgust(me) and desire to run sometimes - is not weakness. it's what is there and voicing it is facing it. . it's admitting what is in your face. (maybe it's fortifying yourself a bit with bravado- girls need it sometimes) i don't hear anger from you so much as pain. you are not obliged to embrace the injustice and abuse or whatever you want to call it. you only have to endure ( if you/we choose) . i have no desire to martyr myself in a hopeless cause - i'm just hoping hope is justified. who the heck can know? we're just people
that's all - - i don't know if i'm bitter and compassionless or what- i do know we all can only do our best. whatever that is- however exemplary or inadequate- it's all. my sister was determined to take her own path- all my caring and so on didn't make a dent. take stock of the inner you- what she's trying to do & the strength you're displaying and maybe a tiny bit of inner peace may creep in. oh yeah- you or someone said treat myself like i'd treat my best friend. you too ! i sure wish you lived down the block and could walk every night - a little group therapy there. Q good luck xxoo
