Now separated. Am I doing the right things? Pt 2

[roughenough]

Yeah, I know better then to do something like that. Just venting.

I went to drop off the kids with W. Seeing her for just 5 minutes and then I always leave feeling so darn sad. It’s so pathetic because I get dressed up in my nice clothes just to come home and get right back into my casual attire. I don’t know what kind of effect my last email had on W, I guess it doesnt really matter though. The only response I received was today she told me that I can get the school supplies for our son.

I really wish I could have more good days, I really do. The only one that can make my days good is ME. It’s so hard in this time of adversity. I sometimes wonder if this stuff is a bit easier on the WAS.

I was talking with a friend yesterday and I mentioned that this whole ordeal is making me much more self sufficient and even though my post sounds like I am a downer, I am becoming a stronger person because of it. I have a hard time finding the benefit in that because I would rather this never happened. 15 years with this woman, that’s a long freakin time!!!!!

I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to do other things but I know it's important. I used to love it when W gave me a hall pass. I don’t need a hall pass anymore but there’s no glory in that. I just want to be with my family but I know I can’t under the present circumstances.

Me(M):38
W:43
T: 15
M: 12
S: 8
D: 4
W wanted separation 5/5
Stopped living together 5/5

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson

[suppo]

Brother,

I have been here and going through this with you on the other side with my own sitch! Like I said in a previous post & not to be to joking about it, but we are the Freshman class of 2012. I and all others on here who are newer totally feel where you are coming from & feel the same feelings that you have gone through.

I know it is easier said than done, as I am where you are presently, but you have to try and keep your chin up! I could post so much more on my thread about my sitch, but in reality does it really even matter? The only thing you can control (if even) is yourself. Continue to work on yourself, be a better man, and most importantly, continue working on being that outstanding Father that you have been doing.

God Speed Rough! I will be here for you always, as will all others who have been supporting us! I wish we could all just hang out in person & ride this out together

[Arsene]

Just like Suppo says mate. Don't let the bad days get to you. I started the weekend on a high just to finish it on a low. That's what a roller coaster does. Ups and downs. We learn to ride them and get used to them, even if we want off them, we need to wait for the ride to be over. There's no getting off before that in one piece so fasten your seatbelt, put on a happy face and try to enjoy the ride and take on the scenery as you go along. Remember that you can use the time to work on you anyway.

Cheers mate!

(much easier to cheer someone else up than to cheer myself up)

[labug]

It gets better but it takes time. The problem is most people think that because nothing has changed outwardly, what they're doing isn't working and decide to quit.

It's always a rollercoaster of sorts, just the hills are fewer and further between.

Do you keep a solutions journal? Are your goals written out? Gratitude journal?

[roughenough]

Suppo, Arsene and Labug,

Thanks a lot, I really appreciate it. Your posts mean a lot. I don’t know about you but this is hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in my life. I will forge ahead and I will be fine.

I need to think about Labug’s questions because I’ve let some things she’s asking me, slip through the cracks a bit.

It’s taken me a while but over the last year or two I’ve been closer to God than ever before. I continue to pray and I know He wants W and I to be together. I also know He gives her free will. It’s Sunday, a good day for me to head to church.

[roughenough]

Before W and I separated I would go to church. Sometimes by myself but mainly I would take the kids. My W would go every now and then but it was on rare occasion. I always wanted her to come with us but I never pushed the subject because I don’t feel that’s the right thing to do.

[Arsene]

I hear you about this being the toughest thing you've had to go through in your life. That's the way I feel as well, and I've had a hell of a life too. That's why we got this support group, the cheers each other on in the good days and share each other's sorrows on the hard ones.

I know we can face the challenge though. Tell yourself that when you are about to give up, you usually still have at least as much left in you as you've put into it by now. I'm sure you're still strong enough to push on.

Take solace in what you can. Your church, your friends (the ones who are with you on this anyway), this support site, the little things which make you smile.

Not easy but just try to make it through this day for now. Tomorrow is another day.

Cheers mate,

Arsene

[roughenough]

As far as I know I won’t be giving up anytime soon. My W has become a bit more cold and even more distant recently, that’s ok though. Church was good, the preacher knows I am having some difficulties however I haven’t spoken with him about my sitch in about 6 months. I held it together at church but it was tough, it brought out a lot of my emotions. I was sitting in the back all by myself. I think he could sense I am struggling because after the service he came over to me and gave me a hug and told me to hang in there, that was very nice of him.

I get the kids tomorrow. I am supposed to get them around 5:30 however W just emailed me and asked if I could get off work 2.5 hours early because she has a doctor’s appointment. Taking the time off shouldn’t be a problem so I am leaning towards honoring her request. I also need to get D a present for her birthday and I am thinking about giving W some money so it can be from the both of us. I just feel the gifts have always been from both of us. Or I could just get something on my own now that things are different. I am planning on going to daughter’s birthday party. W said it would need to be on Friday or Sunday, she mentioned that she’s busy on Saturday. I am leaning towards Friday.

Here’s the thing, I am so torn with some of these decisions that seem so simple. I don’t know if I should be taking a tough stance approach or a loving and agreeable approach. Getting a gift on my own, getting off work a couple hours early, etc.. My W has the kids more than I do so I don’t mind complying when she asks me to take the kids early, I love seeing the kids and she’s somewhat flexible on letting me see them outside the set schedule.

I am ok offering her flexibility when it comes to the kids but when she’s asking me to get off work early because of her doctor’s appointment??? I might need to put my foot down on that one.

I feel that page 7 and 8 on my thread is very powerful because I received multiple view points by some of the vets. Mrbond and Denver alluded to a more hardline approach and Accuray suggested a bit more caring and softer approach, I see both sides. I guess I just need to make up my mind sometimes and remember that one choice or decision I make when it comes to the stuff I am talking about isn’t going to make or break things.

[tori2012]

Hang in there. Yes, this might be the toughest thing you'll have to go through, but the ending might be a very happy one, so stay positive.

I would show your W that you care by taking off time for work and help her out with the kids, especially if she complained about you not contributing enough in the past. This would be a 180.

About the gift, I would buy a separate one so she feels that she's missing out on getting the gift for your D together.


Good luck. Stay positive.

[Arsene]

I'm glad you decided to attend. As I said the other day it's for your D and that should take priority over anything else. She would have been gutted had you decided not to go. I agree with tori on the present issue. Get your own.

With regards to the approach you take I read what Denver, Bond and accuray wrote an I guess in the end it's up to you as you're the only one who knows your own sitch.

What I was thinking though is that your W doesn't seem to have changed her stance so maybe what you are doing now isn't working. You could try to change your approach for a bit, just to see if it would provoke changes in her. Keep an eye on her reactions and how she seems affected by your new approach and modify as you go.

JMO