New to DB

[hopefulinga]

Yes, control is an issue. I think you probably hit the nail on the head. Even though I know that's an issue, I don't think I saw some of his actions as trying to gain control. Which makes sense since when all of this started, he told me he would give me money if I needed it, buy me a house, etc. I will try to keep that in mind more.

Today we are off to the orthopedic to see what is wrong with my D16's knees. H is off to his BBQ competition, so we will have a little breathing room for about 36 hours.

[hopefulinga]

The dr. appt. went well and thankfully D16 doesn't have any structural issues with her knees, so we are going to try PT.

I called H to let him know what was going on with both appts (the other one was for glaucoma). He was very pleasant and I could hear my old, sweet H, which put a smile on my face. I listened to everything he told me about where he is and gave him positive responses in return.

D16 sent him a text asking him to call her, he told her he would later. It is not unusual for him not to call when he is involved in something. When he didn't an hour later, she called him without my knowledge. I talked to him briefly and I could hear the frustration in his voice because he couldn't hear, as he is deaf in one ear and there was a lot of noise in the background. I wished him luck for the competition tomorrow and will wait to hear from him after they are through.

The painters did come today to finish, so the smell can go away while he is gone. All in all a good day. Now to go read some more DB.

[mamabird]

Ok. Sounds like things have improved a little. Maybe the breathing room is helping. Did it help when you went to DC? I know for me, my H does not like it when he is away from the kids and he gets crankier. At least your H is focused on the competition for now. Hopefully he will do well!

You have been through the ringer lately with this funeral and your D's medical issues, not to mention all the tension with H. You sound like one very busy woman. I hope you will take care of yourself a little bit this weekend. (At least have a glass of wine while you read DB!)

[hopefulinga]

I had a beer last night. Yes, this has been a tough couple of months. I talked to the wife of our friend yesterday, and I cannot imagine what she is going through. I offered to walk with her and the dogs when she is up to it, which will help her get out and me to GAL.

Going to DC did help. And H will be away again in 2 weekends on a motorcycle trip. Who knows how much we will talk to him. Most of the time, I have to call him. However, not long before the D bomb, he was calling me when he was out of town for work. And I don't know how much other Hs call their Ws, so I don't know if we are normal or not.

H gets cranky when he is stressed, and he is also easily frustrated. So while I think there have been some improvements, I am hesitant about getting to excited. We'll see what happens we he gets home.

I saw something in DB that has made me feel a little bad for the upcoming week. I was reading about the example couple, Ann and Steve, and how they both admitted that the R was better when they spent more time together and when she paid more attention to him. I feel the same way about my M. I know that I get caught up in my routine and don't pay enough attention to H. I've asked him if he would like me to stop teaching, and he said no.

Well, this week, I told him I would be out Monday and Tuesday night, and now I remember I have something to do Thursday as well. Oops. Tuesday is my last night teaching for now and Monday I am attending a leadership forum where the keynote speaker is George W. H knows I like to hob nob with political and community leaders, so I doubt this a problem. Thursday is to give a talk to people who have family members with Alzheimers, which will benefit my practice.

While I keep trying to do this, I need to make a better effort and not overscheduling stuff in the evenings. I also need to try to pay more attention to H and his activities. I can recall when I tried to go to one of his hobbies after I hadn't in a long time and he made a comment about my not being interested. I didn't see the writing on the wall then and I wish I did. I told him it was hard to go with him when I had to do housework. I've since tried to go, now at a new location, and he tells me Ws don't go. So I will continue to try and see what happens. I am truly interested, it is hard for me to balance everything.

I did hire people to clean the house last month, so that is one less thing I have to worry about, as I am no domestic goddess.

[labug]

I've read a bit of your thread and it does seem that you are making progress.

It might help to write the improvements down. Maybe start a journal of daily positives. Sometimes we get so caught up in all the bad that we overlook the good.

Thanks for your thoughts on my thread.

[mamabird]

I think you have the right idea Hopeful. If you can't be involved in his activities, maybe just thoughtfully ask him how it's going. One of the things my H says to me is that I'm very caught up in my own stuff and it's pretty much true. I think my H resents it.

I know you guys have the airport, and that he was supposed to get that double motorcycle seat for you, but if there are any other hobbies or activities that you enjoy doing together that might help too. And going forward, maybe dropping one or two of your weeknight activities would be of some benefit.

One of the things I started early on was an "interaction tracker" so I could track the small changes over time. I haven't kept it up lately but it did help in the beginning.

Also, have you set any small achievable goals? That might help too.

[hopefulinga]

I think my H may resent how caught up I am in my own stuff, but never says anything. That is why I asked him if I needed to quit teaching. I am going to consider dropping evening activities if I cannot get home to make dinner.

We enjoy going to concerts, but for now, he has told me he doesn't want to go out on any "dates", so that will have to wait until he is ready. He did end up buying the motorcycle seat I wanted, because the one he bought didn't fit. I have not brought up when he is going to take me for a ride at this point. I will let that go for a little bit. I told him how nice I thought it looked.

Otherwise, any other activity would require us to go somewhere together, such as racing. I haven't really asked him to do much because he's been working almost 7 days a week for a few weeks and I know he needs some down time. I will try to see how our interactions go over the next few weeks. There is a 3D movie that I know he would like to see and we could bring D16, so it wouldn't be a date.

I did start a journal but have been lax in writing in it lately. I agree that we get caught up in the negative, and I try to look at some of the small changes and not get worked up too much over the negatives.

I did write down a few goals, and am working on some more and some refining. So far, we haven't argued and the D word hasn't come up in almost 4 weeks. The last time it came up, there was an exact 4 week interval, so I am curious to see if it will come up on Monday, or if we are beyond that. I am also trying to look decent (no athletic shorts) and wear make up everyday. When we were at the funeral, a mutual friend asked him what the name of his super model was (I am 5'10" and I had on about a 3"+ heal). I've also gotten below my original goal weight, and now I am trying to keep it off.

Geez, I get so busy I can't even sit down to get some of this done. I don't want D16 to see the books and start asking questions. And of course I don't want H to see them.

Thanks for all of your thoughts and advice!! Hopefully we can all keep plugging in the right direction.

[hopefulinga]

Another small bit of progress to report. I called H after I knew they were done cooking. He answered and was very pleasant. I asked him how the stuff came out, how many teams, etc. He said they were packing up so they could leave after awards, so I asked him to call me after the awards and before they got on the road. He didn't ask me anything about what was going on at home, but hopefully that day will come.

[hopefulinga]

Well, no phone call. I guess I should have expected as much. Maybe they didn't do as well as they would have liked and he didn't want to tell me.

[hopefulinga]

Apparently they did REAL bad, and they thought everything they turned in was good. I am doing better at listening and reflecting but still have work to do. After I hung up, I realized I never said that I was sorry that they didn't place as well as they would have liked. I did tell him it was unbelievable that they placed the way they did, and that I was sure the food was good and that the judges were in error.

At least the house is clean and the smell of paint is fading! And all of the laundry is done.