considering i just sort of told him yesterday that he had lost the privilege to boss me around - it's quite amazing what he pulled this morning.
i was trying to book s and my tckt for our trip and having trouble with the website so called to ask fil how to navigate - fil is in the middle of helping me (i had no idea that h was there) and i hear h's voice saying rather aggressively - is that zig - gimme that phone - and f'ing takes over
takes over not to find out what i was calling about - but to order me about which airline we should fly on and why wasn't i on that website etc etc. i stayed really cool thinking to myself - good grief - he wants to help me plan this trip? wtf? actually when he kept telling me what to do - i just stayed really quiet - especially when he went into "you should tell your mom to do this, do that..." finally i just decided to relax into what was going on - short of being really rude - i didn't know quite what to do (maybe that's my problem) - until he ran out of steam and then suddenly said - i guess you're wondering why i'm telling you what to do? i just casually replied, that no i was happy to look at that website he suggested and the prices were actually $300 more than what i had chosen. so he got all shocked and then offered to help me with what i had originally called about and so i said - oh thanks for the help.
and then i took the plunge
i said - h before i book what day is ow staying until?
shocked silence, then very uncomfortable - why do you ask? she's staying until monday.
my reply - well, i thought that i could book our tickets so that we return while she's still here, so you still have that option if you want.
h: no, i do not want that option.(emphatic) this is not the right time.
me: I really appreciate that we are on the same page about this. thank you
h: but it's going to happen one of these days, you do realize that?
me: h, you make it sound like a threat - it's not a threat to me that this will happen. so don't hold it over my head as if it is one. you are a great father and i really want you to know clearly that i completely trust absolutely that when you decide, it will be the correct time for all of you and i'm really not worried about it. you know how i feel about how it should happen but i know you'll do what's best for s
h: well, it probably won't happen
wtf?
in the end - s and i are leaving on wednesday morning and coming back tuesday evening. he will be out of school for 4 days (oops) but i do need a break from being here and h's words today - s will get a hundred times more out of the 4 days with his grandparents than he will from being at school
i think that part of him is encouraging this now in a way - sort of to make amends to my family???...
the dynamics - since the mediators meeting have completely changed. we have spent a year being secretive, edgy and defensive with each other - and suddenly we are not - we are suddenly talking really openly and straight forward and directly with each other. or at least i am - and h is beginning to loosen up considerably
actually as i write this it is just starting to dawn on me that i may have achieved or begun to achieve one of my goals - that h stops fearing my reaction when he tells me the truth
i'm not afraid to bring up ow's name - though he still seems a bit unnerved by me doing so. and when i talk about her - which i haven't much anyway - i know my voice and energy is completely neutral and even - and i think that freaks him a bit too.
dropping the rope for me really means giving up complete resistance to anything that is going on - anything. I think the process involves discovering step by step what each resistant area is and methodically facing it and letting it go. and that's why it just can't happen in a short time. under each issue there is another and another, and only when i am emotionally ready to deal with each one, does it come up for me to face and get over.
another cool opportunity to learn more about myself and how this all works
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
