Not a very happy story, I'm afraid..

[Arsene]

I wrote her a letter this morning before I left, and then thought better of it and threw it away.

Good man. That's a start.

And I realize what while the situation is at best 50% my fault, the anguish that I'm putting myself through is 100% mine. I just want to distract myself somehow and not think about this pain for a while. I'm disappointed in myself for backsliding and disappointed in myself that I didn't keep my cool under pressure.

Don't beat yourself over the head about it. Take it as a lesson learned and move on.

I realized something else today as well. Our WAWs who bottle up all of their rage and resentment for years become expert actors. They go through the motions, say "I love you," kiss you on the way out the door, even though they have this boiling kettle of anger churning inside. Us LBSs become accustomed to seeing them as warm, loving people, because they don't share their true feelings with us at the time they are provoked. So when everything falls apart, all of a sudden the WAW "changes" into someone cold and angry and resentful, and all of our normal behaviors don't work anymore. They haven't changed who they are. They're just letting their lack of feelings show. And "all of a sudden," the patterns that we thought were successful in dealing with conflict and compromise don't work anymore - in reality, they never worked, and we just didn't realize it at the time. I think it's just superhuman how some of the success story people on this board have managed to change the way they interact with that "new" WAW. I have a lot to learn.

I think that's what Michele calls "Starting with a beginner's mind" (DR page 49)

I don't know. That thought is still focused on my W. Right now, for my own mental health, I want to stop focusing on W and focus on myself. I've been so distraught today that I've done a terrible job of that. It's been all I can do to keep myself from texting or emailing her.

That's where the GAL comes in.

I know I should be cheerful and friendly around her, but that line is SO hard for me to walk. I confuse being friendly with treating her as a friend (and expecting the same in return).

And that's where the lovingly detach comes in.

Some good stuff. My bicycle is fixed, I'd taken it in for repair on Wednesday. Picking it up tonight. Going to go for a ride this weekend, no idea where but I need to abuse those pedals. Got an invitation to a surprise birthday party for a new friend down here. It'll be 2 weeks from today so that will be a good way to get out of the house on a Friday night so I'm not sitting around by myself. Plus, I like parties, I have a good time meeting new people and I could use some social interaction.

All of this will help keep your mind off things for sure.

I think you might be learning a few lessons from this back step you took. Now just go and read DR again and see what you can do to get back in the race. IMO, leave her alone for a while. Don't contact her, stay out of her way and if she talks to you, be cheerful but don't expect her to be. If you can't stand being in the same room as her. Go to another room and keep yourself busy, or even, put on some nice outfit and cologne and leave the house, even if it's just to go sit in a cafe and read a paper. Give it time mate. Give HER time. And give yourself time as well.

About being detached while still being friendly, I got some great advice from my meditation class this morning. My teacher said that to be able to face any situation calmly, you must look at it from a spectator's perspective. I answered that I did that in many situations, including driving in the insane traffic in this city but that I had no involvement with these people, while I did with my family. I explained that it was very difficult to look at it from a spectator's perspective if I was part of the drama, as I am with my wife. To this my teacher simply replied: "If you love her unconditionally, detachment will come on its own" - meaning, unconditional love doesn't have any expectations. It's love given freely. Not easy to do but probably the answer.

Good luck mate! Try to have a nice weekend.