I've just been through your thread again (sorry I've not had the chance to visit for a while) and if you have a chance, Go through it again and start noticing all the times when you initiate contact, whether it be to offer help, to call or text her, to give her stuff, to offer to do stuff for her or together, anything that you initiate. The reason I ask you to do that is that it is something I noticed is consistent throughout your thread yet, at the beginning of your sitch your W had expressed that she started feeling comfortable around you only when you started to give her the space she needed.
I know it's difficult and that each sitch is different but IMO, you are still pursuing her too much and this might just drive her away from you. Give her space. If she wants to be with you or talk to you, you live in the same house, she'll find you. GAL. Don't make her your life right now. She doesn't really want to be anyone's life right now.
It also looks like you've got a good list of things to work on so that should be keeping you busy for a while. Give it time. Someone in an older post made the analogy that this was like trying to lure a squirrel to you by holding a nut in your hand. Every time you try to move towards the squirrel, it pulls back and it takes longer for it to trust you again and get closer. Stop moving towards her for a while and see what happens. If she makes the first move towards you, then you can chose to match her move but don't go crazy and scare her away again. Keep a comfortable distance. Match her. If she opens up, listen. If she wants to do something, decide if you want to do it as well. Don't be overly eager to say yes all the time and cancel plans just because she asks. Give her the space she desperately needs right now, and that doesn't mean to stop being cheerful and friendly around her. Just give her space. This is my opinion.
Boy, I wish I'd read this about the time you'd posted it. I realize now you were absolutely correct.. My (sometimes thinly disguised) pursuit was not doing me any favors.
Yesterday W was to have class, which was to end at 7. We had an (I thought) implied 'date night' since we'd agreed to date once a week and she only has Tuesdays and Thursdays off at night from work. There was some uncertainty about it though since she wasn't sure if she was going to have to drop that class and take a different class.
She got home at around 9, came in, flopped on the couch and started eating from a fast food bag that she'd gotten. She seemed quite adamant that since we'd made no firm plans, we had no plans at all. I had been waiting for some time, and she'd not called, texted or anything to tell me what her status was. I was hurt and angry, and it was all based on my expectations that we were trying to at least be friends with each other (something she'd asked for). In my mind, a friend would let another friend know what the plans were for the evening as things change. She hadn't even acknowledged my text from earlier in the day. I was at my sarcastic, defeatist and petulant best. I felt hurt and she failed to even acknowledge that I had any feelings at all, so I got mean.
I stormed off, then I thought about it and realized how dumb I was being, and I talked to her once more and just apologized. I told her I wanted to give her space but I was really having a hard time with everything. At first she was angry when I came in to apologize, then she softened a little bit, then she became indifferent and started working on her computer again. After I said something and the words had hung in the air for 5 minutes without any response from her, I just said, "I'll leave you alone." and left.
Haven't talked to her since then. I left before she got up in the morning. She'll be at work when I return tonight, and will more than likely go out with friends afterward.
I didn't sleep well, I felt sick and overall stupid. I still feel sick and my head is pounding. I should have just shut up and stayed upstairs instead of even acknowledging she had gotten home. I wrote her a letter this morning before I left, and then thought better of it and threw it away.
So, I've been in agony all day. I don't even want to go home, I'd rather sleep in a hotel than wake up to the sound of the door opening and closing at 3am when she finally gets home. And I realize what while the situation is at best 50% my fault, the anguish that I'm putting myself through is 100% mine. I just want to distract myself somehow and not think about this pain for a while. I'm disappointed in myself for backsliding and disappointed in myself that I didn't keep my cool under pressure.
I realized something else today as well. Our WAWs who bottle up all of their rage and resentment for years become expert actors. They go through the motions, say "I love you," kiss you on the way out the door, even though they have this boiling kettle of anger churning inside. Us LBSs become accustomed to seeing them as warm, loving people, because they don't share their true feelings with us at the time they are provoked. So when everything falls apart, all of a sudden the WAW "changes" into someone cold and angry and resentful, and all of our normal behaviors don't work anymore. They haven't changed who they are. They're just letting their lack of feelings show. And "all of a sudden," the patterns that we thought were successful in dealing with conflict and compromise don't work anymore - in reality, they never worked, and we just didn't realize it at the time. I think it's just superhuman how some of the success story people on this board have managed to change the way they interact with that "new" WAW. I have a lot to learn.
I don't know. That thought is still focused on my W. Right now, for my own mental health, I want to stop focusing on W and focus on myself. I've been so distraught today that I've done a terrible job of that. It's been all I can do to keep myself from texting or emailing her.
I know I should be cheerful and friendly around her, but that line is SO hard for me to walk. I confuse being friendly with treating her as a friend (and expecting the same in return).
Some good stuff. My bicycle is fixed, I'd taken it in for repair on Wednesday. Picking it up tonight. Going to go for a ride this weekend, no idea where but I need to abuse those pedals. Got an invitation to a surprise birthday party for a new friend down here. It'll be 2 weeks from today so that will be a good way to get out of the house on a Friday night so I'm not sitting around by myself. Plus, I like parties, I have a good time meeting new people and I could use some social interaction.
I also started on 'co-dependent no more' and I actually recognize a lot of my own tendencies in there -- and a lot of tendencies of my W as well. Still haven't gotten to the part of the book where we work on those issues, but I am definitely seeing how I fit into that mold.
Thanks everyone for your help so far, I know I have a well-deserved 2x4 coming. It's funny, when I wrote that first post I thought I was really at the bottom of the barrel. And all last night and today I felt even worse. The uncertainty and lack of response just makes my demons run wild. Time to let the demons go. (File that under "easy to say, nigh-impossible to do")
M: 34 W: 33 T: 11y M: 4y Bomb: 6/29/2012 Same roof, different rooms: 8/5/2012
