In the time it took me to write the above post - h called and left a message saying:
"I am calling to make a sincere apology - you were right my apology was not sincere. I really do appreciate everything that you do for s..." and on and on - about 2 mins long!
i'm not proud of what i did - i should have stayed calmer. not just calmer but calm period.
now - i'm not sure what to do - wait a few hours and then return the call and acknowledge his effort, or call him back sooner?
I think I'll wait.
All day i have been acknowledging to myself the resentment that came up this morning during the phone call. I had called h to let him know that s had woken up with an ear infection and to decide together what we should do.
He spewed at me - old old history, before I even said anything. and i stayed super calm and just replied that I was calling to decide together with him which way we should go on this.
my resentment - if i'm honest is that I have consistently shown my change about what he spewed about for an entire year, and I don't believe I deserved that sort of response. I did stay calm, but afterwards all morning I was really struggling with this.
not because I have expectations that he will change his view of me - kept telling myself that i was that old way for 10 years, and 12 odd months is not enough time. but because he ordered me to be by the phone if s needed to come home from school, because he was not going to take calls as he needed to work.
i suppose my resentment runs much deeper - what seems to be an unwavering attitude from him that his job and work are first priority and i am always in a position to drop everything and take care of and pick up the slack - in other words for him "I am working so if s inconveniently gets ill, you will have to deal with it"
not a request - hey zig - i'm in meetings all day - would you stay by the phone in case s gets really unwell?"
and then the flip side of that: you'll never be able to work zig - i'll always have to support you!!
well how can i work if i'm always jumping up to go drop off violins, forgotten lunches etc etc
i have been thinking about this and expect to calmly deal with it over the next few weeks with my actions - sorry h, you'll have to do it, i'm really busy.
actually that is what i have been doing for the last 3 weeks and i think today was him trying to reinstate...old ways.
during his apology - half of it was about how stressed he is and was all upset about something else at work today and was still in that mode.
maybe he has improved a bit - for him to acknowledge that his behavior with me was a direct result of something else- i'd say that was a huge improvement!! maybe this awareness will lead to him thinking about how he brought his own stress into our relationship and how much it affected things
when i got mad at him - i even said - h you upset me this morning - but all day i said to myself - doesn't matter - it was early, maybe you got stressed because you had a really busy day and the sudden info that s might be ill and you have to deal with it made you more stressed. but you didn't think for a moment that i may have that same reaction too.
i hope he made that apology in front of s. he rolls his eyes at me in front of s, it would mean a lot to me if he apologized in front of s also.
hey - but no expectations about that!!
ooh a little vent!! need to go meditate!!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
