Now the work begins....

[Denver_2010]

I need to do the same. But there are so many holes either in his memory or the story. Maybe that I just can't even understand how/why he did what he did. So, maybe it will never make sense.

Are the two of you in MC? It seems that would be a great place to talk about this issue and these questions.

My W and I are not in MC. I would go, but my W is soured on it because of some poor experiences that we had prior to our S. She also does not believe it is healthy for us to go into it bc she thinks that it will simply be drudging up the past and finger pointing. I somewhat agree with that part. This is why we both agree that the Weekend to Remember is a good idea.

For me, I don't seem to have the questions that you do. I did have most answered though as our S progressed. So maybe I just don't have as many holes as you do. I have no need to know more about what happened in the past. I simply want to start over and move forward. That's not to say that I don't sometimes struggle with my thoughts, but becomes less and less as we move into a more normal life.

That's my take.

I try really hard to not bring it up. That is why I was asking about the brain/chemical thing.

Boy, I don't know. I agree with Starsky in the sense that the BS should be able to have his or her questions answered in the beginning. I also agree that that should happen in an MC setting. But I also think that this kind of depends on whether or not it was true betrayal... a true affair. I'm pretty wishy washy on the dating thing during a physical S. Sometimes I think that it is okay, and other times I think that the two people are STILL M'd even if they are physically separated. The bottom line for me though, is that either way, I have to be able to forgive. And that is for me more than it is for my W.

I don't know your sitch, but for me, my goal is for it to never come up again. Either in my thoughts or in my words. I think that in time that will happen and it will be a mere blip in what otherwise will be a good and happy marriage.

I have a "friend" who seems to like to remind me of OW and of any sightings of OW. I really don't care and also- I wouldn't know her if I saw her. I need a break from this"friend"

I would not tolerate this. You need to have a very straightforward talk with this friend and tell her/him how you feel. Just tell her to not bring the subject up. It is sensitive for you and that you are trying to move on. Her mentioning it is not helping the healing process.

Otherwise, I'd dump the friend.

I do feel like I am hyper aware about whether or not he is looking at other women, etc. This is dumb. I never did this before and now I find myself doing it now.
It has been hard for me lately to be a "women only a fool would leave" THings seem to be surfacing.

I am rambling and in a rush but will write more later.

I think that it is normal for you to feel like this. However, please remember, that men are visual beings. Much more so than females. I may get slammed for that statement, but I believe it. It is normal for men to notice attractive women. And to look. I'm sorry, but it just is. I can tell you that when we look, it doesn't necessarily mean that we are thinking about cheating, that we would, or anything else. It just means that we noticed.

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I've kind of trained myself to do a little self talk when I notice an attractive girl...

"Wow, that girl is hot. My W is hot too. I'm very lucky to have her in my life." Or something along those lines.

Maybe your H is doing the same.