Appt went well. Updated on roller coaster and discussed goals and what not. Soon thereafter W calls to check in (her choice). She said she wanted to make sure I wasn't an emotional mess on my way to get the little guy from my parents. I told her the truth, I'm fine. I'm good. Her motivation? Testing my buttons. Trying to make sure she doesn't look like the baddy? Then she brought up the "awkwardness" of leaving for the whole weekend. I simply responded this is what you wanted, enjoy it. No patronization either. I'm really beginning to understand the "dont believe anything the say" motto.
So in reading various others' struggles on this board I stumbled upon "Codependent No More" as an almost must read. So I've picjed it up and as I'm reading it realizing I'm such a good caretaker. Now to try to apply that strength towards myself.
You've gotten some good advice. Reread your thread with an open mind, as if it were someone else writing.
I note some sarcasm, like the "you should" comment. That's a R killer. Figure out why you do that when a simple "You're welcome" would have been enough.
Also learning to validate would be helpful. When she talks about the awkwardness it might be better to say, "Yes, I see how it could feel that way," or just agree with her if in fact you do.
It seems you're seeing everything through the lens of your resentment. Think about that, Co-D No More will probably be helpful with that. Take what she says at face value, no more, no less.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I did reread all of the posts thus far. I clearly see a lot of "resentful lens" appearing. Also, after finishing CoD No More, I see a lot of that perspective being shared in the responses. It's starting to click some. I just really need to incorporate everything and act in a mindful way. Establishing "friendly" boundaries will be challenging due to our in house separation and my caretaking tendencies.
* continuation from last post... Challenging b ecause I don't want to do too much and appear as if I'm pursuinger her, nor do I want to feed her "cake". I guess that will show itself in the way that I actually do or don't things. Also, not to be resentful and sarcastic. To be at peace with what is actually happening and focus on myself as a priority. I have often preached for others to utilize the Serenity Prayer, yet didn't realize that mindset needs to be my bestfriend.
Interesting twist for her coming back from her first full weekend away, we are now evidently having a cookout for her dad (its his birthday). He doesn't know what's going on with us; and his S and VOL will be coming too. It will be awkward, for each us, as all 3 them will undoubtedly compliment us as individuals and how great of a couple we are. Had to get that off my chest.
Just be aware of what you're thinking and saying, be aware of your motives. If you're unsure if you should say something, don't say it.
Challenging because I don't want to do too much and appear as if I'm pursuinger her, nor do I want to feed her "cake". Explain this in more detail. Examples?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Bringing her a cup of coffee in the morning, dripping off OTC medicine she has forgotten at home, paying her life insurance bill, stopping at a store for her to get something she wants / needs for her, getting cash out of an atm for her. Things 2 months ago I would do with ease. Just to name a few.
If she appreciates and you like doing it for her, it I wouldn't stop. Suddenly not doing things you've done int he past because of anger seems passive/aggressive.
Have you read The 5 Love Languages? It might also be helpful.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
